It's been an uneasy few weeks for me. On Thursday I saw Kate (my counselor). After telling her everything that was going on with me, and how I'd been feeling, I really felt frustrated. I felt that way because as the words were coming out of my mouth I listened to them. And what I heard, I did not like. I heard how needy, insecure, and codependent they were. I've come to despise needy, insecure, and codependent, not just from myself, but from everyone around me. And knowing how much I hate it and how much it wears me out, hearing myself saying what I was saying made me feel angry.
Kate told me that it is impossible for me to feel worthy or important without constant validation from a man. Ouch. This is something I certainly do not have right now, and it seems I am not able to dig deep enough to just be happy with myself for who I am and what I have done. Am I really that pathetic that I have to have a man (or friend, or anyone else)telling me how wonderful I am in order to feel good? I HATE that about myself. I truly HATE it, and for various reasons, I feel like it may be hard for some of my readers to understand that. Extremely easy for others.
I don't know how I got this way. Probably some deep rooted "daddy issues" or maybe just 30 years of lies and betrayals have made me wonder if it's me that's caused every relationship I've ever had with a man to eventually crumble.
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