Are The Skies Finally Clearing?

It’s been the strangest few weeks.

You know that feeling you get when it’s rained, even stormed for a really long time, and you start to feel it’s going to rain forever, then it suddenly stops? The skies slowly begin to clear. The clouds are still above you, but you see clear skies, maybe even the sun in the distance?

That’s how I feel inside.

I feel as if I’ve crossed over in to some new chapter in my life. A lot of things have happened to me. For the past weeks I’ve felt numb about writing. There was just nothing in my head. But now I feel like I’m feeling like the skies are clearing, and I’m beginning to know where I want to go. I may not be there yet, but maybe I at least know where I’m going.

I’m on vacation for the next couple of weeks, and hope to be able to write. Don’t give up on me.

Blank Cards

I been doing well moving forward. Have been walking every day, working out with some weights, and counting calories. I feel a lot better. 

I don't feel inspired to write though. Every time I think about writing, I think of those pretty greeting cards you get at the store that are blank on the inside. That's just kind of how I feel right now. Just blank inside. Nothing to say, nothing to express.

Next!

I've come to the end. It's time for me to say goodbye to my food and alcohol binge of the past several weeks. 

I'm sick of it now. 

Thanks Krista!

I don't really know Krista that well. She and her brothers are friends with my husband. We are friends on Facebook, and we go to the same hairdresser. So a couple of days ago, Krista posted something to my Facebook wall, saying how she had been to the hairdresser and the two of them had discussed my very short haircut, and how much they liked it. 

Now this is all well and good, but uninteresting on its own. But that's really the END of the story, not the beginning. The beginning had occurred two days before that when I got out of my car at my dad's house. I said hello to him and his first words were "When did you get your hair cut?"  I told him I'd gotten it cut a couple days before, and asked if he was just noticing it. He said "No, I noticed it. I just didn't say anything about it". It hurt my feelings terribly, and as often happens when I feel my dad disapproves of something I've done, I suddenly felt 6 years old. I questioned myself. I questioned the haircut. I questioned my weight, my age, my beauty, and pretty much my entire life's accomplishments...and failures. 

But the universe has a way of fixing things, doesn't it?  A girl I hardly know made it all right again with one random Facebook post. She probably barely remembers saying it...but I remember. 

People always say you should speak kind words to others. You don't know what cross they are bearing that particular day. That particular moment. Your kind word, no matter how insignificant it may seem, could lift them up. It could change their thinking. It could make their day. 

That's Me!

"And I Had That House Of Your Father's Bulldozed To The Ground"

There's a scene in one of my favorite movies, "Forrest Gump", where Forrest and Jenny are adults, and they are going for a walk. They walk by Jenny's childhood home. A place where she was abused by her alcoholic father. When Jenny sees the house she becomes very emotional. Very angry. She picks up a rock and throws it at the house and then she picks up more rocks and throws them, and at some point, ends up  throwing her shoes too. Then she collapses onto the ground, crying. In typical Forrest Gump style the narration tells us,  "Sometimes I guess there just aren't enough rocks". 

That's how I have felt lately. Like there just aren't enough rocks. 

Lots of emotion inside me. Like the feelings in there want to scream their way out. I believe this will pass soon. But for now, I'm still eating and drinking too much, and I still want to punch something.

I Just Felt Like Punching

I remember one time I had this overwhelming urge to run. I wrote about it in this blog. I felt like Forest Gump. I just wanted to run. 

Tonight, I want to punch something. I have this insatiable, uncontrollable urge to punch something! Not a person, and not with my bare hand, really. I think I want to put on some boxing gloves and just start punching the shit out of something.