Quotes I Like

"Waiting until we reach our limits is one way to know them - but not necessarily the best."
-Melody Beattie

Sunday Morning Comin' Down

In the late 1980's I became friends with a girl I worked with. Her name is Carolyn. We were very close. I was maid of honor in her wedding and she was in my (second) wedding. In early 1992 Carolyn's husband got a good job offer in another state so they moved. For several years we maintained very regular contact with each other. I went out there a couple of times and she came home fairly regularly for visits. Then, life started getting busier and we just naturally drifted apart.

I usually get a Christmas card from Carolyn, but a few years back she started writing a lengthy Christmas letter. With each passing year I noticed her letters got more and more religious. The last two or three have used the term "bless the Lord" or something like that probably a dozen times each. They also now contain scriptures and a call to action for anyone who isn't saved.

Carolyn didn't even go to church back in the day but now she is quite active in the Assemblies of God church and has apparently become quite conservative. Well, this week Carolyn found me on Facebook (have I mentioned love it / hate it?). I rarely post anything about myself of Facebook anymore but I suddenly found myself thinking I'd better be careful what I post because Carolyn might think less of me if I talk about rock bands or tattoos or use foul language. Not to worry, I got over that pretty quickly.

I won't get in to a discussion about why I don't currently attend church or why I feel people have made religion much, MUCH more complicated than it needs to be. I am who I am, just as Carolyn is who she is. I guess we all have to decide what's right for us religion-wise. I'm quite happy where I'm at and I guess she is too. It just happens we probably won't see eye to eye on much anymore.

So I guess my point is that it intrigues me how many different views people have on what is right and wrong and how one should worship, and how most people believe only their way is the right way. We can't all be right on that one, can we?

I'll just keep being me and keep believing the way I feel comfortable. I guess we all should.

...I'm Just Waiting On A Friend

Today was an interesting day. I spent my lunch hour with Chris W's best friend from high school. We've been communicating for months now via Facebook (love it / hate it) and he happened to be in town for a couple of days so we met up.

I could have talked to TJ for hours. It's very hard to catch up on nearly thirty years of life in just an hour, but we made the most of it. TJ and his wife live in England and he has graciously extended an open invitation to my husband and me whenever we like. I'm quite certain we will take them up on the offer at some point in time. My husband is very much on board with a visit abroad. I'm pretty sure he and TJ would get along very well.

I toiled over this, but after I wrote the Chris W Story I decided to forward the entries to TJ. He now has the link to Detach and will hopefully be a new faithful reader. Like me, TJ hasn't heard from Chris in many years, plus he was right there along side us as it happened, so he enjoyed reading the story. I asked him not to tell me if I got any of the details wrong because I didn't really want to know--particularly if there were anything bad!

TJ did tell me today that he and Chris W had talked way back when and said that they both felt I was trying to change Chris. Imagine that? Me? Trying to change someone? I was aghast....I told him about Mary's MILFs (Men I'd Like To Fix). Chris W. was surely a founding father.

Anyway, welcome TJ. I hope you'll enjoy this journal. It is lessons in codependence, coupled with stories of most any types of self improvement, all wrapped up in my memoirs and the sordid story of my life. Happy Reading.

That's A Good Question

So if I vowed never to lose control again, never to let things around me get so OUT of control, how did I end up in such a mess later on? Why didn't I take the reigns and never let go? The answer is easy. In my attempt to take full control, I mistakenly tried to take charge of everyone and everything around me rather than trying to control the one thing I could actually have power over....myself.

Four Years of Hell

The next four years of my life were bad. I spent most of it trying to catch David in the act. I had periods of time when I thought I was crazy, that I was imagining everything. This was back in the day before caller ID or call blocking or pretty much any technology. Every night there were hang up calls. Often David would need to run an errand after we received them. I would check times on receipts, I would try to interrogate his friends, I involved his parents and his brother.

Once we were in Gatlinburg, TN when one of his "ex" mistresses unknowingly boarded the trolley we were on. She nearly fainted when she saw us sitting there.

Once a mysterious woman called me in the middle of Bunco when I had eleven friends over and asked me if I knew where my husband was. She said he was with her best friend and she thought I should know about it.

Once I spent an hour and a half talking on the phone with the woman he is now married to. She told me they'd been dating for nearly two years and that David had told her he and I hadn't slept together in years. He told her he was waiting for the right time to leave.

I'll swear to you I could go on and on and on about the horrible things I endured during those four years. The constant lies, the mind games, the sadness, the manipulation. I have no idea how many women he cheated with. There were a lot. Working at a college is just too much temptation. Lots of willing young women who don't think twice about what they're doing or whom they are doing it to.

Much of the codependent behaviors I have today were born during those four years, I firmly believe that. I had no control whatsoever over my life or what happened to me and I vowed that would never happen again. I swore I'd never lose control like that again. I needed to take control and fast.

I moved out of my home in August of 1990, just shy of our 7th wedding anniversary. Our divorce was final in January of 1991. David married the woman mentioned above almost immediately after the divorce was final. They are still married today and have three grown children.

I would be a very different person today if I hadn't endured that marriage. I don't know whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. I have to think it's good because the thought that those years were wasted is too much to bear. I have absolutely no fond memories of David at all. I get angry when I think too much about him. Seven or eight years ago David and his wife were in a terrible car accident. He was in the hospital for months. I didn't feel anything when I heard the news. I remember feeling sad for his parents and thinking how upset they must be. Several weeks after the accident I called his mom to tell her I'd seen them on the news and to ask how David was doing. While we were talking she told me that one of David's nurses was apparently an old friend that she thought I might know. Her name was Kim and she had red hair. David was unable to speak at that time and she thought I might be able to tell her who this girl was. I said I didn't know her, but that was a lie. Kim was the girl who got on the trolley in Gatlinburg that day. She was a nursing student at the college back then. What would have been the use in telling her? I didn't.

I still get a Christmas card from his mother every year. She never mentions him. I loved her very much and look forward to her card.

With that chapter of my life finally over I was ready to start living my life as an independent, single person. 1991 would be one of the craziest years of my entire life. I can't wait to write about it.

I Should Have Listened To Mark

In order to finish the Chris W. story, I had to jump ahead a few years. Now, let's go back into time to fill in the missing pieces. I was a freshman at community college and finding myself available for the first time in awhile. I don't know why I didn't set my standards higher. I don't know why I didn't try to meet some smart student with a bright future, but I didn't. I had my eye on a maintenance man at campus. That's right....a maintenance man. I saw him driving around on his little cart every day and I thought he was a doll. He had big dimples, and twinkly eyes. I was smitten.

After awhile I got up the nerve to meet him. His name was David. He was the same age as I was and hadn't been employed there too long. David was a clown. He was always smiling and always making people laugh. He was very funny and very charming. There was just one problem....he was married. He had married his high school sweetheart immediately after graduation. He told me what a mistake that was, that everyone had tried to talk them out of getting married. He told me what a bitch she was and that he was miserable. I was 18 years old; I ate up every word of it.

I'll never forget sitting in my friend Mark's car one night. We were in front of my parents' house. Mark said to me "Mary....if he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you". Mark begged me not to get involved with this guy. I didn't listen.

Less than a year after he'd married her, David was divorced from his young bride and dating me. I thought he was the greatest thing ever. He was handy and could fix just about anything. He could charm the pants off of just about anyone. He had the most wonderful parents and three great brothers. Before anyone could blink an eye I was part of his family.

David and I were married in October, 1983, less than two years after meeting. I was 19 years old and thought I knew everything. After all, my sister had been married at 17! I was two years older than that. I knew it all.

Things were like a story book for the first three years. We lived in a one bedroom apartment with a galley kitchen. We didn't need money, we had love. By now, my parents and my sister had grown very fond of David. All was right with the world until one day when I was making the bed in our apartment. I'll never forget it. I was just making the bed when suddenly I thought "Something doesn't add up. Surely he's not cheating on me?"

You've already read some of the stories about the things this man did to me. He would cheat and lie to me non stop for the next 4 years. It's funny--when I began writing the Mike Brown story and the Chris W. story I felt really different than I do tonight. I felt young and in love just remembering those stories. I cried alot while writing the Chris W. story--happy tears. But writing about my ex-husband, David is totally different. I don't feel warm and fuzzy at all. In fact, it's hard for me to write that I was head over heels for him. It's hard for me to type how good looking or funny he was because I can't stand the thought of him. He robbed me. David took alot of things away from me; mainly my trust in people. I feel bitter when I think of him.

Tonight I'll just stop right there in the bedroom, making the bed. I'll just stop with that life changing thought that ran through me head. Yeah....that's where I'll stop for now.

Random Thoughts

It's rare that I ever get alone time. Tonight everyone is out for a couple of hours and it's quiet. No radio, no T.V., no voices. Just quiet. Time to think. Hmmmmm......I think I'll just write random thoughts as they come to mind:

Mystical deserves a big pat on the back for all her hard work these past few weeks. I know she exhausted. She did a great job.

Today at work wasn't as bad as I had dreaded. It was hectic, but not as bad as I'd feared.

I've been stress eating. I have to stop. I'm glad The Biggest Loser is back on the air, maybe I'll get inspired.

I hope Madison made it to class on time and did well on her quiz.

The kids got good report cards. Awesome. I'm glad they are out of school for a few days--I need the break.

My husband and I have been getting along remarkably well lately. That's cool.

I heard that (the legendary, Mustang driving) Mike Brown is going to be a grandfather. That struck me as funny for some reason.

Feeling relieved the dog wasn't waiting for me to let her out when I got home. We made the right decision in not adopting her.

Looking forward to grilled chicken burritos at work tomorrow...and it's jeans day.

I'm sick of Facebook.

I hope no one in my family gets the flu. I vote we all stay home for a month.

Can't wait til it's time to build a fire in the fireplace!

I hope the concert I was supposed to go to gets rescheduled soon.

I can't flippin' wait for my upcoming two week fall vacation. I'm going to get my house organized, pamper myself a little, and take some naps.

I wish Kitty would call me.