Word of the Day

The Word of the Day is:

"Surrender"

This means to accept, give in, give up, and let our lives happen. It's a spiritual concept. It is also ironic in that many of us fight doing this but find ourselves feeling quite good once we do.

-Codependent's Guide to the Twelve Steps

Plotting A Strategy

Any successful coach or manager will tell you, you can't be successful at any goal without devising a strategy to help you get there. So for the past 24 hours I've been thinking how I'm going to work at my goal of not fortune telling or worrying about the Derby eight weeks before it comes. I think I've come up with a plan.

We learned early on in this blog that codependents much prefer to focus on the actions of others than themselves. Now is a great time for me to take a look in the mirror and focus on myself. Now that we have an extra hour of light in the evenings I'm going to start walking after work at least a couple of days a week. I'm also going to start concentrating on my eating habits and weight loss again. There's even a couple of other areas of my life that feel out of control. I'm going to give them some attention as well. I'm going to really focus on my daily checklist, and make sure I'm reviewing it every night. I'm going to the bookstore this week to see if I can find Melody Beattie's new book (the copy that was supposedly sent to me by her publicist never made it).

So focusing on these strategies will keep my mind focused where it should be: on the things I can actually control.

"God grant me the Serenity to

Accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can,

and Wisdom to know the difference."

Off And Running

It's going to be 77 degrees today. There's no avoiding it--Spring is definitely on the way. For me, that only means one thing.....dreading The Kentucky Derby.

Those who know me understand the Derby and I don't have that great of a friendship. My husband usually takes a week and a half off work to "enjoy" it. As with most addicts he has often taken it way too far. I remember a friend of mine used to say "why do you get so mad? It's one week to cut loose and have some fun!" But at our house it wasn't one week; it was three, maybe four. And it wasn't fun--not for me anyway. The only thing I could count on was drama, and plenty of it. Granted, the past two or three years have been a big improvement over years past, but still very unpredictable, and uncertain for me.

But I'm not writing this journal entry about my husband's past Derby Deeds. I'm writing it about me. Derby is huge in this town and people are already starting to talk about it. This typically sets my mood for the next several weeks. I start to dread, anticipate, and use my codependent fortune telling abilities to predict the future. This is not healthy for me or anyone around me.

So starting today I am committing to myself (and you guys) that I will not sit and obsess about something that is still eight weeks away. When I feel myself slipping into that place I will become aware of it and work on getting myself out.

This will be my first Derby since discovering and accepting my codependence issues. I can't promise I'm going to be hugely successful at this, but I can promise I will work on it.

Mary's MILFs

Dear Tommy Lee:

I've never written one of these letters before but I wanted to tell you I'm your #1 fan. I love your music and think you are a great performer; always the showman.

I think you are incredibly hot and you surround yourself with people who intrigue me. I adore Pam Anderson, and think (when you are together) the two of you make the sexiest couple alive.

I would love to thoroughly explore all your tattoos. Chocolate syrup would be involved.

There's just a couple of things though. I'm really concerned about the drinking. I've heard you get really mean and make bad decisions when you drink and I don't think it's good for you. I'm sure there are several AA groups right there in your area. Let's make a deal and say starting right now, no more Jager.

And speaking of not good for you; I am enclosing a box of Nicorette patches. You should really try to stop smoking.

If that doesn't work let me know, I've been doing in depth research for you and I've found an online smoking cessation program, I'll send you the link!

Love,

Mary

My Ex-Husband

One night I was sitting in our house watching television. David had gone to bed early; he said he wasn't feeling well. This wasn't unusual; we'd been having problems for awhile and he would often avoid me. I had been sitting in the living room by myself for quite awhile. The room was lit by a lamp as well as the light from the television.

It was a very small house and the bedroom was directly connected to the living room. It was dark in there and the door that separated the two rooms was open about half way. At some point during the evening a strange feeling came over me--or maybe something just caught my eye. I looked over to the dark bedroom and saw a figure. Since I was in a brighter room it was difficult to focus in on what I was seeing. I kept looking, straining my neck and squinting my eyes. After a few blinks and squints, my eyes became adjusted and I realized David was sitting up in bed, still as a statue, and had a double barrel shot gun pointed directly at me.

I screamed and dove to the floor. I was sobbing, and started shouting "DON'T SHOOT ME! WHAT ARE YOU DOING??" He calmly got out of bed, put the gun away and said "Stop whining! I'm not going to do anything!" He rolled his eyes and went in the kitchen.

He treated me like I over reacted. To this day I have no idea how long he had been sitting there like that or what he really intended to do.

I don't remember much about the rest of that night, but in the state I was in at that point in my life, it's safe to say I was probably apologizing to him for blowing the whole thing out of proportion. I often ended up apologizing to David after he'd done something like this. He had so much power over me that things always got twisted around to seem like my fault.

Looking back now, this was obviously a huge contributor to my control issues today. After I finally got away from David I vowed I would never allow anyone to treat me that way again. In my mind, to keep that from happening it was clear I would need to be in complete control of any relationship from this point on.

A Follow Up

In response to yesterday's post, Scarlett commented:

My dear friend, I believe I'm the queen of "bottling." But in the past few months, I've made great strides in "unbottling." I just wish I'd unbottled sooner. But better late then never.

-Scarlett

I decided to make my response to her comment today's post. Besides, I just had to include the pic!

Scarlett,

I will not argue with you; in the past you have been a master at this art! But in my humble opinion, I believe for both of us this was a learned behavior. Unlike some of our friends, our parents were not "hippies" from the peace and love generation and did not encourage us to speak our minds. They were older, and were from a time when children were seen and not heard.

In fact, I'm not sure that's not one of us in this photo. It's at least got to be someone we know! Look at the little girl's face. It probably took years of therapy and Twelve Step Programs to fix her later!

You are making huge strides in this department (and many others), we both are. You won't be the queen of this for long!

Catchy Phrases Decoded

"Dealing With Feelings"

You hear people say it a lot, but what does it really mean?

Dealing with feelings can be an uncomfortable experience, initially. It means we stop running from our emotions, from what's really going on with us. We stand still and feel our feelings. Feelings are emotional energy; our feelings are our responsibility. We avoid blaming our emotions on others; letting our feelings control us; and trying to control others with our feelings. Usually, that's all that's required to make them go away. Ignoring our feelings doesn't make them go away; it makes them get bigger, or come out in strange, unpredictable, and often undesirable ways. Many of us learned in our families that it wasn't okay to feel. Now, we're learning differently. We're learning to accept and value the emotional part of ourselves as important and closely connected to happiness and health.

-Codependents' Guide To The Twelve Steps

I am a master at bottling things up until I explode. I've held in certain thoughts for months or even years before they finally come blurting out in the middle of a fight about something totally unrelated.

I'm not the only person in my family who does that.

The day we buried my mom, my sister and I got into a huge argument over who was taking which flower arrangements. It got so our of hand I'm surprised no one called the cops on us. I really don't think the flowers were an issue at all. We both just had too much bottled up inside us. The flowers were simply the tool we used.

We've since apologized to each other for our crazy behavior that day, but it's a perfect example of why leaving feelings buried inside is a really bad idea.