Striking A Balance

Tonight it is necessary for me to talk about "detachment"; an important word in this blog. It's not the first time I've discussed it, but I'm in a situation right now where I feel like I'm separating myself so far away from something that I'm to the point of being rude and insensitive. I need to get myself back on track and in a healthy place. I'm searching for that happy medium. So I'm dragging out my copy of "Codependent No More" and reading up on the subject.

First, let's discuss what detachment isn't. Detachment is not a cold, hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotic walk through life oblivious to, and totally unaffected by people and problems; a Pollyanna-like ignorant bliss; a shirking of our true responsibilities to ourselves and others; a severing of our relationships. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern, although sometimes these ways of detaching might be the best we can do, for the moment.

Ideally, detaching is releasing or detaching from, a person or problem. We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy and frequently painful entanglements with another person's life and responsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve, according to a handout, entitled "Detachment" that has been passed around Al-Anon groups for years.

Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy.
-Melody Beattie, "Codependent No More"

That's exactly what I needed. Let me think on that for awhile.....

Word of the Day

Today's Word of the Day is "detachment". I liked it so much I named my journal after it.

Most codependents are attached to the people and problems in their environments. By "attachment" I don't mean normal feelings of liking people, being concerned about problems, or feeling connected to the world. Attachment is becoming overly-involved, sometimes hopelessly entangled.

Obsession with another human being, or a problem, is an awful thing to be caught up in. A person who is obsessed with someone or something can talk about nothing else, can think of nothing else. Even if he appears to be listening when you talk, you know that person doesn't hear you. His mind is tossing and turning, crashing and banging, around and around on an endless race track of compulsive thought. He relates whatever you say, no matter how unrelated it actually is, to the object of his obsession. He says the same things, over and over, sometimes changing the wording slightly, sometimes using the same words. Nothing you say makes any difference. Even telling him to stop doesn't help. He probably would if he could. The problem is he can't (at that moment). He is bursting with the jarring energy that obsession is made of. He has a problem or a concern that is not only bothering him--it is controlling him.

Most people who live with alcoholics become that obsessed with the people they care about.

"Detachment" is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement.

Some days it's easier to focus on myself and not on my husband than other days. Since he seldom drinks these days it's easier than it used to be. Some days it seems completely and utterly impossible. If you make the decision to stay in a relationship with an alcoholic, detachment is a life long struggle. I'll be talking a lot more about detachment in the future.

Adapted from "Codependent No More"

by Melody Beattie