Monday, September 3, 2012

Timeline: Part Four

March 27, 2011
I wrote an entry called "New Beginnings"

This entry was about Kitty moving to South Florida. I wrote that as I sat at the red light, driving my kids to school, I saw the two semi tractor trailers turn the corner, headed to her house, to move her a thousand miles away from me.

I can't stress this enough; this was one of the lowest, darkest periods of my life. Depression had a grip on me and would not let go. While I was still functional; still working, still caring for my kids, still going on with day to day life, I cried alot. I slept alot. I didn't want to do anything except come straight home from work and curl up on the couch. I felt sad almost all the time.

My husband had told me he was no longer interested in having a relationship with anyone. That he was incapable of it. How could he give to anyone, when he couldn't even take care of himself? He told me I deserved better and I should divorce him. Later he would tell me he didn't know why he said that; he didn't mean it. All this did was send me on an out of control roller coaster ride. Throughout it all, we were doing less and less together. We were drifting further and further apart. One night I felt so out of control, and cried so hard, that my husband didn't know what to do with me. I kept telling him, "I'm just so unhappy! I'm so tired of being sad and unhappy!!" For the life of me, I could not understand why he didn't feel the exact same way, but he didn't. He was so very confused, and he truly didn't get any of it. He took all the weapons from our house and hid them from me, because he feared I was a danger to myself.

It was about this time that I had my yearly appointment with my gynecologist. Everything was fine at first. She asked how I was doing, and I smiled and said "I'm fine." She was going through my chart and said "I see you've gained quite a bit of weight since last year. Is something going on?" That's when I burst in to sudden and uncontrollable sobbing. I started talking about my mother, about my sadness, about my anxiety. I couldn't pull myself together. I had a meltdown right there in her office. My doctor came to give me a consoling hug. Then she asked if I would consider seeing a psychiatrist. I said yes. This would become a huge, huge step for me. I had hit bottom. I didn't feel I could get much lower, so what did I have to lose?

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