Step Nine

Step Nine

"Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

As I mentioned, this Step is a partner to Step Eight. And once again, I am imagining Earl Hickey crossing people off his list.

This Step takes us a major leap forward in establishing boundaries-the differences between us and another person, the differences between our behavior and another's. It also grounds us in what will become a new way of life: allowing other people to have their paths and issues and learning to have our own. In this Step we learn to own our power to take responsibility for ourselves and our conduct in relationships.

If you have done your work in the other Steps, you have a list of people. The list should include the person you have probably harmed the most....yourself.

-Codependent's Guide To The Twelve Steps

When I take this Step and make my list I will definitely include myself. My obsession with control and the frustration I feel when others don't behave the way I think they should has hurt me far more than it's hurt anyone else.

There are other people that I'll include on the list but will probably never make contact with, like poor Todd; a guy I dated shortly after my divorce in 1990. He was a nice guy and I think he really liked me and wanted a chance to get to know me. He was way too normal and healthy for me. He took me out on a couple of dates, then one night we went to a nice dinner. When we got back to my house I cried and told him I just couldn't go out with him any more because there's no way I'd ever love anyone the way I'd loved my ex-husband. And at the time, I really meant it.

It's too bad someone didn't hand me a copy of "Codependent No More" right then and there.

Lordy....

Step Eight

Step Eight:

"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

I've been waiting for this one. Steps Eight and Nine go together. I think I like them so well because they remind me of one of my favorite television shows "My Name Is Earl". You know; Earl Hickey got his karma so bad that he made a list of all the people he's hurt in his sordid life, and each episode he goes around trying to make a wrong....well....a right.

If you know me, you know I'm a firm believer in karma and that our thoughts and actions directly affect what happens in our lives every day. This isn't really about karma, but it is about righting our wrongs.

The goal of this Step is to be honest with ourselves, not unduly hard on ourselves. For many of us, being too hard on ourselves is a trait we closely associate with our codependency. After thinking through and taking this Step many of us find that much of our guilt has been unearned. Often we come up with a few behaviors we do not feel good about; sometimes more. But this Step is here to help us. It helps us clarify exactly what we have or have not done and sets us on the path to taking care of ourselves. The purpose of this Step is to restore us to right relationships-with ourselves and other people.

I haven't formally taken this Step, but I've thought about it. Pretty soon I'll start my list. Except for those who may have found this blog by accident, chances are most of my readers' names will be on it.

Step Seven

A couple of notes to my readers:

I apologize for the long intermission. Between the storm at work and a death in the family, it's been a trying week.

Also, I know the Twelve Steps series is long, and doesn't apply to everyone, but I think it's important to be familiar with the process. I really think all of us can take at least one thing from the Steps. Besides, I'll be referring to them in the future and it will be good to have a reference point. With that being said.....thanks for your patience....let's finish this up.

Step Seven:

"Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings."

In case you haven't figured this out yet; my husband didn't make me codependent. I'm starting to clearly see I've pretty much been that way my whole life. So it's a little unnerving to think about asking God to take those tendencies away. If he does, there may not be anything left.

I don't want to stop helping people. I don't want to stop fixing things. People rely on me to help them and to fix problems for them.

When we take this Step, God doesn't come down with a vacuum cleaner and suck out all that is inside us. God doesn't take my personality. God doesn't remove me. God only takes those traits that restrict and stop me from being myself. - Melody Beattie

I have been asking God to remove the parts of my personality that cause me so much pain. I can help people without obsessing about them. I can fix things without breaking myself. I can use my powers for good.....not evil.

That's a wonderful feeling.

Intermission

I'm taking a short intermission from the "Twelve Steps Mini Series" to talk about something else.

After much worry and anticipation, the "big storm" I had been preparing for finally hit this week. For the first time in our 100+ year history, my place of employment closed an office and eliminated several jobs. Two of the affected people worked for me. I had to tell a single mom with two teenage boys, and a woman whose husband is laid off from his job that effective immediately, they were no longer employed with the company.

It sucked.

The same thing just happened at my friend Puddin's place of employment.
http://puddin-thatswhatimthinking.blogspot.com/2009/01/better-days-ahead.html

I know we are just two of many, many companies affected by the current economic crisis, but when it hits home it hurts.

Rather than go on and on about this I think I'll just take the Forrest Gump way out and say "That's all I have to say about that."

Step Six

Step Six:

"Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character."

Several days ago I was telling Madison about a situation involving my husband and me. We started bickering about something silly, and I immediately found myself going into my role as codependent. I was aware of it. I felt myself going there, I knew when it happened, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. Once I had landed solidly into my role I stepped back, stopped talking, and removed myself from the situation. When I came back into the room later, everything seemed okay again.

That's what this Step is all about. You are totally aware of the problem and your inability to control it. You are sick of playing the role and are entirely ready to give it up.

For so long I have relied on these behaviors, my codependent behaviors, as trusted friends. But they have turned on me. What once protected me may now be my undoing.

I am ready to learn a better way.

Step Five

Step Five:

"Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

At first, this Step seemed simple to me. I've admitted to God, myself, and anyone who would listen exactly what seems to be wrong. Apparently it's much more complicated than that. It seems there are a host of counselors, clergy, and other professionals trained in the process of the Fifth Step. It goes hand in hand with the Fourth Step, and I'm told the two Steps together should encompass about a year. Who knew?

Most agree that it is better not to do a formal Fifth Step with a neighbor, friend, spouse, or other family member: it may backfire and hurt us. I suppose it's like finding out you have a disease and going to your friend to ask for a Band-Aid, when you really need to see a physician. If there are deep rooted issues you are just now discovering or admitting, you would want to be steered in the right direction as you uncover them. In my case I've been through plenty of professional counseling, and I'm pretty sure we've touched on a good portion of my "issues" and where they came from.

At this time I'll simply say I'm not ruling out more counseling or an organized support group. I'm just not ready for it right this minute. I guess that means I'm not ready to work this Step right now. Besides.....my "fearless moral inventory" from Step Four is far from being complete.

Step Four

Step Four:

"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

Not surprisingly, this is a Step I haven't worked much. From what I've read, I'm not alone. No one likes to take a hard look in the mirror. Codependents REALLY don't like it. We much prefer to watch (and judge) what others are doing.

Melody Beattie writes "In a searching and fearless inventory, we look for what is right about ourselves and our values. We look for the wrongs we have done too. But also included in this moral inventory are our self-defeating behaviors and the moral issue of whether or not we love ourselves."

A few months ago I would have blamed every problem in my life on my husband's drinking. Since hitting my wall, I have made some small strides, but I've got a long way to go on this Step.

• I have a lot of love, and my ultimate desire is for me, my family, and friends to live happy, healthy, and peaceful lives (just like my fictional namesake, Mary Bailey)!
• I consider myself a very good mother.
• I consider myself a very good manager.
• I've never felt like a very good wife....either time.
• I've been a good daughter. Not great; good. I'm harder on myself than my parents would be.
• I have a serious problem with trying to change people and/or control their behavior.
• I have always been attracted to men that I will ultimately try to change or fix.
• I consider myself a true, dedicated friend.
• I don't like it when I don't get my way.
• I like to be in control all the time. I despise feeling out of control. I despise it.
• Sometimes I don't like myself. Sometimes I like myself a lot.
• I want to get better.
• If I can help other people get a little better in the process, that's icing on the cake.