March 50

Today is the 50th birthday of my friend, and Detach reader, Kim. I've been friends with Kim for over 30 years, since the 8th grade. I have known her husband just as long. He turned 50 this month as well.

I recently asked Kim's thoughts on the subject. She told me she is embracing 50. She spent her birthday at her very favorite place, the beach.

Kim told me Cher's song "If I Could Turn Back Time" keeps popping in her head. But, she says, you know, we can't turn back time. Can't change it - so embrace it!

So far, turning 40 was much worse for her than 50. She says she has a few more aches than she used to, and had to see a chiropractor for the first time in Jan. She hurt her back, in yoga!!

Kim told me, "I could, but won't get philosophical about 50. I don't feel my age most days. And I think for as much as I've been in the sun, my skin has held up pretty good. Thanks to moisturizer from about the time I was 14!"

Happy Birthday Kim!

These Dreams

I recently took a business trip with three other women. We opted to travel by car, but the drive was several hours coming and going. We passed a lot of farm land on the trip, and one lady kept mentioning that she frequently has this dream about being lost in a barn. It kind of became a joke on the trip, as we passed lots of creepy old barns.

I’ve always been fascinated by dreams. I’ve written about that in this journal before. But I’m particularly fascinated with recurring dreams.

There are some dreams I’ve had since I was a child. I’ve had these dreams dozens, maybe even hundreds of times. They may have changed a teeny bit as I’ve gotten older, but the premise of the dream is still the same.

In a dream I have pretty frequently, I am trying to defend myself against someone who wants to cause me harm and I have a gun that won’t shoot. The bullets jam, or they fizzle, and come out with no force. Or I have a weapon, but I left it in the car, or I lost it.

Another recurring dream is that I see a giant tidal wave coming towards me and there’s no place to hide. I run as fast as I can, away from the water, and sometimes I try to get to higher ground; maybe inside a high rise hotel.

I also dream that I see a tornado in the distance. It’s erratic in it’s path and I’m trying to decide which way to run.

Sometimes I dream I see an airplane, and it’s going to crash. Usually the engines are dying and it plummets to the ground. Only once do I remember being a passenger on the plane. Usually I’m watching it from a distance.

Another recurring dream is that I’m driving on a road that has railroad track after railroad track after railroad track. Trains are coming and there’s no lights or crossing gates. I have to floor the accelerator to avoid being smashed.

I'd say all these dreams represent a feeling of being powerless. Of going up against something that is way too big to fight. I guess they all demonstrate codependent tendencies--the need to be in control, but the feeling that your obstacles are way greater that you.

The good thing is, I don’t typically die, or even get hurt in these recurring dreams. They just frighten me.

Can't Find The Words

There's a thought I want to write, but I'm unable to put it in to words. I'm not sure if it's too complicated, or if I'm just too tired.

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

One Down....

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February 50

I was born in 1963. So were all my classmates. Now, practically every week, one of us is turning 50.

It's no secret I'm dealing with lots of "feelings" concerning this milestone, but it's very interesting to me to see how turning half a century old is affecting all of us in a seemingly different way. So I decided to do what I always do when I want to study something....I'm writing about it.

In January it was Scarlett who hit the Big Five O. She seemed unscathed by it--almost as if she was welcoming it. I really don't think it phased her very much. I don't think Scarlett shares my fear of aging. She seems content. She's in a good place right now, and is working on some exciting and promising ventures. She had a very nice party, surrounded by family and friends. Scarlett is our January 50.

There were a couple of people who hit the milestone in February. One of them being my ex husband. I have no idea what his life has become, after a serious car crash 10-15 years ago. Last I heard, he'd had 19 surgeries following that accident. But he's not the feature February birthday. That honor belongs to Rebecca.

When 2013 began, only a few weeks ago, Rebecca did not know she had cancer. In the weeks since then, she was diagnosed, and a week ago, had surgery to remove the affected body parts, and a few neighboring ones. She's now awaiting the pathology report. The weekend before the surgery, she wore a purple feather boa and went out on a party bus with her friends to celebrate her 50th.

The doctors are optimistic, and lots of people are pulling for Rebecca. She has a great attitude and is as ready as possible for her fight.

We just don't know what surprises life has in store for us.

It's The Little Things

The amount of joy I get from putting a fresh clean set of sheets on my bed, never ceases to amaze me.

Get Back On The Horse

What's that saying? You have to get back on the horse that threw you?

Well I was thinking about that, and I recall a time when I was about 6 or 7 years old. I was at my dad's sister's house way down in the country. It was the first time I ever got on a horse. Actually it may have been a donkey or a mule, or jack ass, I'm not really sure. Anyway, I wasn't actually "riding" it, it was more like I was just sitting on its back. My dad may have held the reigns and walked it a few feet. Well, whatever the situation, the damn thing threw me. Most of me landed with a thud on the hard dirt, but the soft part of skin on the inside of my knee landed directly on a barbed wire fence. The wire impaled me and I had a scar there for years. To make matters worse, I think the beast laughed at me afterward.

Not only was this my first encounter with asses and barbed wire, but this also happened to be the same day I touched an electric fence. I knew then, I was not meant for the country.

I believe I've only been on a horse two more times in my life since then. Both times as a young adult. For the record, I did NOT get back on the horse that threw me. Maybe this was a bad thing. Maybe that's why I have so much anxiety when something goes wrong today. Maybe if I'd gotten back on the horse I'd be more brave? Or maybe the damn thing would have bucked me again...hard to say.