Not Tonight

Tonight would be a textbook night for me to slip into a codependent coma. My husband has gone to a concert. We've had some pretty crappy "incidents" involving concerts, so typically this would be a night for me to give him "The Concert Speech" and then begin my worrying and irrational thinking. But I didn't. I did manage to ask who he was going with and who was driving, but I was very proud of myself for cutting out the bulk of the (very exhausting) speech, which includes not drinking and driving, not drinking period, what time he would be home, and what action he should take if he did decide to drink. No, tonight I cut off "The Concert Speech" early on.

I'm not sure if I did that because I'm making strides against my codependency or because I have so much on my mind. Either way, I was proud of myself, at least for now (night ain't over yet).

Actually, I feel like focusing less on my husband tonight and more on myself.

You know that feeling you have when a failed relationship ends? I'm talking about a relationship where you really loved someone at one time but the love is now dead? You anguish the thought of leaving that person. You fight it. You justify why you should stay; sometimes for months or even years. Then, when you've exhausted all your defenses at saving the relationship you finally accept "what is" (see last journal entry) and make the decision to break it off. That is exactly where I am right now. Not in my marriage or with any type of lover, but in another relationship that has been around much longer than any lover ever has. The relationship that has caused me so much grief the past couple of weeks.

Ever since I made the decision to accept "what is" I have been at peace. In the last journal entry I said I was trying to decide if I should "stay still" or move on. I was sick with a sinus infection all weekend so I had plenty of time to sit around and think. No Christmas shopping, no errands, not even much housework. I think God knew I needed to slow down for a couple of days and think. And think is just what I did.

I have decided that this time it would be best for me to move on from "what is". And just like the relief you get when you finally decide to break up with that doomed lover, I feel at peace with my decision.

I just haven't quite figured out my exit strategy.