You What???

Back in the early 90s, we used to play this game. A group of people would each have 5 or 10 one dollar bills, or quarters or whatever. Then you go around the room and say something you have never done before. Anyone in the group who HAS done that thing has to give you a dollar. You keep playing until one person has all the money. So obviously you want to try to think of things you haven't done, that most other people HAVE done.

So one day we were playing, and this girl who was about 20 years old at the time says "I've never played in the snow". Of course everyone in the game had to pay her, but this ensued a conversation. I mean every kid plays in the snow, right? We asked had she grown up in the south. No, she lived in in Kentucky her whole life. She said her mother just did not allow she and her siblings to go out in it. Maybe she was afraid of them getting sick? Maybe she didn't want them tracking in a bunch of messy stuff and a mound of wet clothes? Whatever the case, we all thought it was perfectly sad.

So today as I sit and look out my back door at the blanket of beautiful snow, I can't help but wonder if the girl ever got the opportunity to make snowballs, or a snow man, or snow angels. I wonder if she ever got to take a bite of the stuff. I wonder if she ever got to knock all the icicles from the roof of the porch. She surely has children of her own now--i wonder if they are allowed to get out there and romp around? I sure hope so.

How's The Plan Coming Along?

The other night Kitty asked me an interesting question. "What would you do with your life if you could remove all fear, all limitations, and all financial worry?". It didn't take me long to give her an answer. I felt empowered. I felt like I had a plan.

Today Sally asked me what steps I was making in my 12 month plan of action. Had I made any plans? The answer is yes. But with planning, I ran into reality.

The cold hard truth is there are limitations, fears, and major financial roadblocks in my fantasy. In my plan.

That doesn't mean I'm going to give up. It only means I have to do some work. Well okay, a lot more work. But at least there's a starting point.

"What, Are You Gonna Cry Now?"

Today is my birthday. I am now 49 years old. For some reason this feels like a very big deal to me.

I have this fear of turning 50 and saying "I hate my life". I can't allow that to happen. I'm going to work very hard these next twelve months to ensure it doesn't.

Remember that scene in "A Christmas Story" where Ralphie is walking home, and gets plastered square in the face with a snowball? This is the incident that triggered his insane rage, and caused him to beat the living shit out of Scut Farkus.

In the past weeks, life has bombarded my face with several attention getting snowballs. And I need to muster up the courage to do something about it. Just like Ralphie.

I'm not where I need to be. Not yet. But Good Lord willing, I've got a year left to get there.

The New Normal

Life changes. The days of my mom and dad having Christmas Eve at their house, with me and my sister and our families, are gone. I didn't even see my sister or her family this Christmas.

My kids no longer run down the steps on Christmas morning to see the toys Santa so painstakingly spent half the night assembling and arranging. This morning my son wanted to take a shower before opening his gifts.

And I have no idea what next Christmas has in store for me. I guess none of us do, really.

But I know I am not the only person struggling with changes. Many people I love are doing the same. Last night my friend Marty-Marr and his family came over for awhile. When they left, Marty-Marr said "Well...I guess this is the new normal".

Merry Christmas to all my friends and readers. And for anyone out there struggling to embrace the new normal...good luck. For those who are fortunate enough to still have their families and their longstanding traditions; count your blessings and enjoy it. You never know when life is going to throw you a curve.

I feel absolutely exhausted. Like someone drained the life from me. I have huge bags under my eyes. I've never seen those things before! I don't even look like myself.

I'm going to sleep now. Please God, let tomorrow be better.

A Day That Will Live In (Mary) Infamy

Hands down, the number one worst day of my life to date, was Wednesday, April 23, 2008. The day I buried my mother. They day my sister and I had a terrible, terrible argument. The day my husband guzzled an entire bottle of vodka and went in to an alcoholic rage.

The second worst day was just a few days before that. Sunday, April 20, 2008. The day my mother died. As Forrest Gump said..."That's all I have to say about that".

The night I checked my husband in to inpatient rehab, and the drama that ensued before and after, was the third.

Today, Monday, December 17, 2012 might have just found it's way into the top five. I may not be able to recite the date later, but I'm betting I'll never forget this day as long as I live.

Right this moment I can't go in to all the details of what has happened. But there are multiple components. It started on Friday. It climaxed today. The ironic thing is, the things that have happened are all very clearly, answers to prayers. For big prayers, I got big answers. But as so often in life, the answers God gives us aren't always the ones we wanted. But like it or not, God and the Universe know what we need. What is best for us. This is one of those times.

Also, even though the answers weren't exactly what I was hoping for, I believe the end results will be. Even though I feel extremely sad tonight, I also feel extremely relived. More relieved than I have in awhile.

One friend told me today that things will get better with each passing day. I know she is right. My tears will dry, and I will move on to wherever it is I'm supposed to be next.

Lyrics I Like

When you were young and your heart was an open book
You used to say
Live and let live

But if this ever changing world in which we live in
Makes you give in and cry

Say live and let die