Lyrics I Like

I started a joke
Which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see
That the joke was on me

I started to cry
Which started the whole world laughing
Oh if I'd only seen
That the joke was on me

-Barry Gibb
-Robin Gibb
-Maurice Gibb

Keep Moving, Keep Breathing

I don’t like change. I’m more receptive to it than some people, but overall…I don’t like it. I’ve been with the same company for 28 years, I’ve known many of my friends since childhood. I get hysterical at the thought of someone I love moving out of town. I’ve only owned a handful of cars in my life, and only lived in a few different places. I like familiarity. I like things to be constant.

But in life, things can’t always stay the same. Sometimes they have to change. Sometimes people do move away. Sometimes cancer interrupts the annual birthday lunch you have become accustomed to. Sometimes families and relationships have to change too. They dissolve, or maybe just the dynamic of them changes. Either way, that’s a big one. When that happens, it’s hard to swallow. Even if it’s a necessary change, it’s not easy.

So for a person who is resistant to them, the life changes I am experiencing right now are bittersweet. I asked for them. I initiated them. For the past year now, I’ve been convinced I wanted them—and I did, but that doesn’t make them any easier.

I don’t have a lot to say right now. I’m just trying to focus on what’s best for me and my kids, and my husband. All four of us are important, and all four of us deserve to be happy. It’s a bumpy road, and it doesn’t feel familiar to me, but I’m forging ahead anyway.

You Shone Like The Sun

It's thundering outside tonight, and there's a lot of lightning and some rain, but not much. Mostly just thunder and lightning. It's not a scary storm, more of a sleepy one. The kind that makes you want to lay in bed, maybe listen to some PInk Floyd. Dark Side of the Moon. It's a "Shine On You Crazy Diamond" kind of storm, and kind of night. I just put some fresh clean sheets on my bed, and there's a nice breeze from the fan blowing across the room. I guess it's time for me to put on something soft and cool, go to bed, and talk about my day. What I'm dreaming about, what I'm afraid of, and what I want to do in the future. I sure hope my cat is ready to listen.

Blah

For some reason, this week I have felt very lonely. Even when I'm with other people I feel lonely.

I have a friend who very much enjoys solitude. In fact, he prefers it. That is very hard for me to grasp, but maybe I should try, because he seems far more content than I am. It's my codependence.

I don't know how to find happiness within myself. I'm still seeking it from others. When others aren't around, giving me constant validation, I'm not happy.

I've also been particularly hard on myself this week, feeling I've made several bad decisions. Well really a couple of bad decisions and one stupid mistake. I'm beating the hell out of myself for them all; second guessing my every move. Feeling like I'm not even capable of making good decisions.

Im sure I'll snap out of this, and I'd really love to be able to entertain my readers with some happy, witty entries, but this journal is about my struggles with codependence, and this Sunday morning, I'm losing.

It WAS A Great Day!!

Wednesday DID turn out to be a great day. I got the news that my dear Miss Pamela is now cancer free! I was so happy when I heard the news that I got big tears in my eyes. It's been a rough few months for Miss Pamela. Chemo and radiation took a toll on her body, but she's bouncing back and getting stronger every day.

I am so thrilled about this wonderful news, and wish Miss Pamela all the best in getting her life completely back, and staying CANCER FREE!!

Tomorrow

I'm expecting some really good news tomorrow.

Pondering

I had an interesting conversation with my husband last night. We talked about a lot of strange things. A few of them were things I never thought we'd talk about. But we did. Anyway, the conversation eventually lead to a topic that I've brought up a hundred times in the past. I mentioned how I hate when people try to get things over on me because they think they are smarter than I am, and that I'm too dumb to notice. This is nothing new. I've mentioned the same thing many times in this journal. It's deep rooted in me, and born out of a resentment of being lied to, and cheated on for the better part of my adult life. I told my husband that I've often pretended not to notice things people have done, or just chosen to ignore them, even when they were right under my nose. After some deliberation, my husband said "I've certainly never thought you were stupid. It's just that your personality....." then he froze for a moment, as if to think of just the right words, "...your personality makes it really easy for people to feel comfortable deceiving you".

I'm sorry, but what the hell does that mean?

I've thought about this all day. I keep going back to counseling sessions from the early 1990's, when I was going through my divorce, and working with my first, and very favorite therapist, Scott. He once told me that he felt an overwhelming need to protect me. I may be a lot of things, but I have never pictured myself as vulnerable. I have certainly never felt naive. People often tell me I am a strong woman. Kitty tells me that all the time. So does Sally. So what piece of Mary are others seeing? What part of me is so weak that some feel the need to be fiercely protective of me, while others see me as someone they can easily (and comfortably) take advantage of?

I'm going to have to ponder this for awhile, because I'm really puzzled by it.