Saturday, November 10, 2012

Making A Budget

I'm on a mission. While I was on vacation, I did some spreadsheets, and took a close look at the family budget, and realized some serious changes have to be made. I have not received a raise at work for the past couple of years, so my income is not adjusting with everything around me that is continuing to cost more and more. Our family's cell phone bill used to be about $150 per month. Now it is nearly $300 per month. Our gas & electric bill used to be about $150. Now it averages around $300. The cable/phone/internet bundle is now about $190 per month. Some changes have to be made. For starters, I discontinued the land line phone. I've had a lot of people tell me I'll be sorry in the event of an emergency, but my close neighbors still have one, and I'm sure I could use theirs if cell phone towers were inoperable. I also discontinued our home security service. I hope this will not prompt anyone to come break in my house. I downgraded our cell phone minutes. I cancelled the part of Netflix that allows me to receive DVDs. These changes have saved me about $100 per month. It's a start.

Next, my coworkers and I usually go out for Happy Hour on Fridays. We've decided to start bringing our own booze, and taking the party to someone's house. This has potential to save a bunch of money, but comes at a big price. Kids don't care if Mommy is having Happy Hour. If Mom is in the house, they still want things. Plus, I have another very large obstacle when it's my turn to host the party. If Mr. Hyde decides to rear his ugly head, which he usually does, my friends become very uncomfortable. So while this idea saves about $80 per month, I'm not sure it's going to work. This money saver is still up in the air.

I'm still working on ways to cut back. Eating out is going to be a major one. I realized I spent $13 this past Monday, on coffee, fast food lunch, and a dessert from the little bakery down the street. Doing that every week day adds up to a whopping $260 per month. This does not include family pizza night, and carry out on Saturday nights, which typically adds up to about another $250 per month.

I have a couple more places I can cut luxuries out of the budget, but first I want to see how these changes affect us.

But there are some luxuries I'm holding on to for dear life. I spend about $50 per month getting my nails done. I really want to hang on to that one.

So if anyone has any good budget tips, please share them.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Back To Reality

Today is the final day of my two week sabbatical. As usual, it was a much needed break from work, and day to day routine. Going back to the real world tomorrow actually feels a little scary to me. For two weeks I haven't had to feel rushed or overwhelmed. I have been able to sort through a lot of emotions and feelings, and I made progress: at least in a couple of areas.

I'm trying very hard to take some advice Kitty gave me. To live in today. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow, or next week, or next year. Just think about where I am today, and what I need to accomplish in this day. Just like AA--one day at a time. Easy does it. Only for today.

Life is continuing to present me with sometimes big challenges. Of course it does; I am still living with an alcoholic. Every time I hear the garage door open, there is a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, wondering who will walk through the door. Will it be Dr. Jekyll? Will it be Mr. Hyde? That is never going to change as long as we live under the same roof. And that is a choice I have made, at least for now. So I will keep coping. I will keep living in this day. I will take care of myself and my kids, and to hell with the rest. I will live my own life, and I will try my hardest not to be affected by Mr. Hyde's screwed up world of insanity. I will stand firm by my decisions, which were not made lightly. I will never go back. I will keep moving forward, no matter how hard it is some days. I will continue to pray for guidance. I will trust my decisions. I will continue counseling, and to rely on my friends, who mean the world to me.

That's where my head is today.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Thank You, Pink

White knuckles
And sweaty palms from
Hangin' on too tight
Clenched shut jaw
I've got another
Headache again tonight

Eyes on fire, eyes on fire
And they burn from all the tears
I've been cryin', I've been cryin'
I've been dyin' over you

Tie a knot in the rope
Tryin' to hold, tryin' to hold
But there's nothing to grab
So I let go

I think I've finally had enough
I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us
Blow me one last kiss

You think I'm just too serious
I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so
Blow me one last kiss

Just when it can't get worse
I've had a shit day (yeah!)
Have you had a shit day? (yeah!)
We've had a shit day (yeah!)

I think that life's too short for this
I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this
Blow me one last kiss

I won't miss
All of the fighting
That we always did
Take it in
I mean what I say
When I say there is nothing left

No more sick whiskey dick
No more battles for me
You'll be callin' a trick
Cause you'll no longer sleep

I'll dress nice, I'll look good
I'll go dancing alone
I will laugh, I'll get drunk
I'll take somebody home

I think I've finally had enough
I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us
Blow me one last kiss

You think I'm just too serious
I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so
Blow me one last kiss

Just when it can't get worse
I've had a shit day (yeah!)
Have you had a shit day? (yeah!)
We've had a shit day (yeah!)

I think that life's too short for this
I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this
Blow me one last kiss

Bah da da-da, da da da da
Bre-ump-ump um ah uh-uh
Blow me one last kiss
Bah da da-da, da da da da
Bre-ump-ump um ah uh-uh
Blow me one last kiss

I will do what I please
Anything that I want
I will breathe, I won't breathe
I won't worry at all

You will pay for your sins
You'll be sorry my dear
All the lies, all the why's
Will all be crystal clear

I think I've finally had enough
I think I maybe think too much
I think this might be it for us
Blow me one last kiss

You think I'm just too serious
I think you're full of shit
My head is spinning so
Blow me one last kiss

Just when it can't get worse
I've had a shit day (yeah!)
Have you had a shit day? (yeah!)
We've had a shit day (yeah!)

I think that life's too short for this
I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this
Blow me one last kiss

Na na na na da da da da
Na na na na da da da da
Na na na na da da da da
Blow me one last kiss
Na na na na da da da da
Na na na na da da da da
Na na na na da da da da
Blow me one last kiss

Just when it can't get worse
I've had a shit day (yeah!)
Have you had a shit day? (yeah!)
We've had a shit day (yeah!)

I think that life's too short for this
I want back my ignorance and bliss
I think I've had enough of this
Blow me one last kiss

Time To Think

Every October I take a two week vacation. It's two weeks of clearing my head. Two weeks of taking care of unfinished business. It's an opportunity for me to think, cleanse, and regenerate.

I have just begun week two of this rest. Week one was a big success. I sorted out some thoughts and got several things done around the house. I hope this week will be as productive.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Quotes I Like

"The one who cares the least
has all the power"

Monday, October 15, 2012

No Presents

Last night I dreamt I was with someone (not sure who it was), and we were on our way to a family Christmas celebration when it occurred to me I had forgotten to buy Christmas gifts. Not just a couple of gifts....ALL of them. I had nothing to give at all. Not even for my children! There was no time to go shopping, besides I has no money. It was classic fear of not being prepared.

I'm not prepared for what lies ahead, folks. Not prepared at all. That's unsettling.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Needy, Insecure, and Codependent

It's been an uneasy few weeks for me. On Thursday I saw Kate (my counselor). After telling her everything that was going on with me, and how I'd been feeling, I really felt frustrated. I felt that way because as the words were coming out of my mouth I listened to them. And what I heard, I did not like. I heard how needy, insecure, and codependent they were. I've come to despise needy, insecure, and codependent, not just from myself, but from everyone around me. And knowing how much I hate it and how much it wears me out, hearing myself saying what I was saying made me feel angry.

Kate told me that it is impossible for me to feel worthy or important without constant validation from a man. Ouch. This is something I certainly do not have right now, and it seems I am not able to dig deep enough to just be happy with myself for who I am and what I have done. Am I really that pathetic that I have to have a man (or friend, or anyone else)telling me how wonderful I am in order to feel good? I HATE that about myself. I truly HATE it, and for various reasons, I feel like it may be hard for some of my readers to understand that. Extremely easy for others.

I don't know how I got this way. Probably some deep rooted "daddy issues" or maybe just 30 years of lies and betrayals have made me wonder if it's me that's caused every relationship I've ever had with a man to eventually crumble.