Undependent

Today started out bad. My anxiety was through the roof. My thoughts were racing like the Indy 500 and no matter what I did, I couldn't calm down. I kept feeling like I was out of control. That's all I kept thinking, "Mary, you have lost all control. You have control over absolutely nothing in your life". For a codependent person, that is truly a paralyzing thought.

I drug out my copy of "Codependent No More" last week when I was feeling bad, but I hadn't cracked it open. Today I put it in my hand, closed my eyes and asked God to send me to the right page. He did.

I opened the book up and found myself smack dab in the middle of the chapter on "undependence". The first words I read were "If we have decided, for whatever reason, that we can't take care of ourselves, I have good news. The theme of this book is encouragement to begin taking care of ourselves. We are not helpless. Being ourselves and being responsible for ourselves do not have to be so painful and scary. We can handle things, whatever life brings our way. We don't have to be so dependent on the people around us. Unlike Siamese twins, we can live without any particular human being. Now let me give what I shall call the "rest" of the news. There is no magic, easy, overnight way to become undependent."

I went on to read the rest of the chapter and immediately found comfort in the words I read. We can't expect things from people who are unable to give them to us. If we do, we will continue to be disappointed. Suddenly, I remembered why I loved this book so much in the first place. It's all about me. Me, and the way I feel. And guess what??? I'm not the only person who feels this way! What wonderful news!

I'm going to start working on my thinking. Again. Much of what I put myself through is learned behavior. If I learned it, I can unlearn it.

Quotes I Like

"Sex is always a good idea. Even when it's a bad idea, it's a good idea."
-Anonymous Friend

People around me have just been saying the wittiest things lately.

My Current Favorite Word

Inscrutable: Impossible to understand or interpret. Impenetrable, mysterious.
That's just the word I've been looking for! Thank you, Gordon.

My Journey Out?....Really???

Monday, October 27, 2008. That was the day I started writing this journal. I subtitled it "My journey out of codependence". That was three and a half years ago, and today I am wondering if I have made any steps on this journey. Any steps at all.

I've learned a lot. I understand it. I get it. I just don't think I'm working to move out of it. It's like my husband said after he went to rehab. "I still want to drink, and sometimes still do, but learning why I do it, and what it does to me and those I love, has taken all the fun out of it." Or like the smoker who says "I know this is bad for me, but I just can't quit". That's exactly how I feel right now.

I understand now that codependency isn't anyone else's fault. It's me. Circumstances and events from my life may have caused it, but it's up to me to make the necessary changes to stop it. In the past 5 days, I have failed miserably at that feat. Miserably. I desperately desire things from people who will never be able or willing to give them to me. And I'm pretty sure they don't even know I need them in the first place. My own brain and my incredible anxiety and distorted thinking are clearly my worst enemies.

As I look back over this journal, I clearly have two critical times in the year. One is the Christmas season, the other is April. I won't site the reasons again, we all know them. But I need to recognize I am smack dab in the middle of one of these critical times, and need to base my actions and interactions with people accordingly. Maybe think a little harder about the things I do and plan during this time, so I don't set myself up for disaster.

Kate has asked me to re-read "Codependent No More". She thinks I've lost touch with the information and skills I need. She's right. I'll dig it out and start reading again today.

Sunday Reflections

It's Easter morning, and it feels like a lot of people in my life have a lot on their minds.

My Dad just walked in to pick up my son for church and told me that on this day in 1952 he left his home in rural Kentucky to join the Air Force. Sixty years ago today. I could tell it was on his mind, and he seemed proud of it. Clearly, it's an anniversary he wanted to acknowledge.

One friend is struggling with grief and lots of conflicting feelings this weekend.
One friend has just entered in to her battle with cancer.
One friend is launching a new business, but is also dealing with sickness in the family and is preparing for the loss of her neighbor, who has lived 94 wonderful years.
One friend is torn about a major life decision.
One friend is in a daily struggle with a decision she seems to keep questioning.
One friend is spending a lot of time by herself due to a very selfless act of love and helping someone fulfill their dream.

As for me; I am feeling very emotional right now. The least little thing can bring tears to my eyes. All of the things listed above are not only weighing on the hearts of my friends, but also on my heart. The anniversary of my mother's death comes in a few days. My son will leave home for his 8th grade trip to Chicago next week, and will end his middle school journey. I keep thinking of how this affected me three short years ago when he graduated from elementary school. I'm not sure I'm ready to have kids in high school. My sister turns 60 on Saturday, and that brings a few emotions too. Not due to her age, but due to where she's at in her life right now. I've had the opportunity to spend a whole week with Kitty, who has been in town for a visit. We've talked and talked, and had such a great visit. But I always hate saying goodbye at the end.

I don't know where life is going to take me in the coming weeks. But I feel like it's going to take me somewhere.

Oh, My Housewives!

I've watched the television show "Desperate Housewives" since it's debut in 2004. It's been a Sunday night ritual at my house for 8 years. I've even written some blog entries about situations or characters on the show. But as we approach the series finale, I find myself worried to death about what will happen to Bree, Gabi, Lynette and Susan! Will they all go to prison for the murder of Gabi's stepfather? Will they partake in a mass suicide? Will they flee the country? Will the detective on the case get caught planting fake evidence and they will all be free? The anticipation is just too much. I don't know if I can take it.

Quotes I Like

"The past is gone. The future is not here now. I am free of both. Right now I choose JOY."
-Deepak Chopra's prayer for times of crisis.

I believe this with all my heart and soul. I really do. Don't live in the past; don't worry about the future. Live in the now.

So why do I seem to be totally incapable of practicing it???