Quotes I Like

"Never give back the ring. Never. Swallow it first."
-Joan Rivers

Oh Won't You Stay......Just A Little Bit Longer?

I know it's still officially winter, but it's 70 degrees outside so it feels like the seasons have changed. I took a nice walk around the neighborhood and decided to sit out on the back deck to cool down and catch my breath. It was so nice out and felt so good. Then I looked over and saw a little patch of white wildflowers starting to bloom, and two cute little birds gathering straw for a nest, and thought to myself..."I hate spring".

I know how strange that sounds. Most people look forward to spring from Thanksgiving until March. Now this is nothing new; I'm sure I write about it every year, but today I thought "Why do I hate this beautiful season of the year?" Most people think it's tied in with the Kentucky Derby, and certainly that's part of it, but there's more.

In addition to the Running of the Roses and all the drama that brings to my world, there's also storm and tornado season. The weather is very unstable and unpredictable. When I was a teenager I developed this fear that the world would end in the spring because the sky often looked so ominous. But the spring thing I want to talk about today is Easter.

Now before everyone starts bashing me for not being very Christian-like, I want to say I know the "reason for the season", and all that. But I'm talking about 3 year old Easter, or 5 year old Easter. I was never a prissy girl, and Easter meant getting a dress and tights, and wearing shiny shoes that hurt my feet. It meant pastel colors, and being forced to eat all the hard boiled eggs we'd dyed. Even the white part. Easter meant jelly beans, which I never liked, and I always seemed to forget how much I hated the black licorice ones until I started chewing them. Easter meant getting that plastic grass all stuck on your sticky candy. And for some reason I never wanted to eat the chocolate bunny. I saved him until he was stale, then had to throw him out. But mostly....and this is a big one....mostly I hated the Easter Bunny. You should already know as a child (and maybe still today) I was terrified of clowns, and Santa. I was terrified of anyone or THING inside any type of costume. But the Easter Bunny was the worst of them all!! Was he out there in the yard hiding the eggs I dyed right now? Worse yet, would he STILL be out there when I got up in the morning to search for the eggs? If I'd had a weapon back then, I'd have taken it outside with me just in case.

So I guess there are a lot of reasons I hate to see Old Man Winter leave for another year.

Well, That Changes Everything

Why is it that I seem to be able to talk, and actually say what I mean, actually communicate with all my women friends, but I can't seem to express even one thought to a man? Well, that's not necessarily true. I can communicate just fine with men as long as they are not my dad, or as long as I haven't had sex with them.

I was thinking last week about two guy friends who have been in my life for a very long time. One since 1977 and the other since the late 80's, and I've always been able to talk to them about pretty much anything. But once that line is crossed, a conversation between myself and a man would go something like this:

We are both hungry, and both craving Mexican food.

Me: Are you hungry?
Man: I don't know, I guess.
Me: You wanna go to a restaurant and get some Mexican food, or you want me just to get carryout?
Man: I don't know. Whatever you want.
Me: Well, I'd like us to go together, but I'm getting the feeling that's not what you want.
Man: What makes you think that?
Me: I don't know...you're just acting funny.
Man: OH MY GOD....how am I acting funny now?
Me: Well don't get so upset about it! I can't talk to you about anything anymore!
Man: Whatever.
Me: Don't walk away from me! What is your problem?
Man: You're the one with the problem.
Me: Fine...I'll just go get the food and bring it home. I don't want to fight with you tonight.

Crazy, ain't it?

You're In My Heart, You're In My Soul

Thinking about my sweet, sweet Miss Pamela tonight. You are in my heart and on my mind. I just know everything is going to be okay.

God Bless Mary....Now And Zen

I had the strangest experience when I got home from work tonight. I was alone in the kitchen and felt stuffy, so I opened the window. The nicest breeze began to blow in; just like the one I felt that day in the parking lot at work a couple of years ago when I felt like my mom was sending me a hug.

It was very quiet--unusually quiet for my busy household. I took a moment to let the breeze roll over me; to smell the fresh cool air. My wind chimes were blowing in the wind, making the most wonderful, soothing melody. I closed my eyes and remembered the sunny, perfect autumn day I bought those chimes, years ago. I was at a little country store outside town with my husband and my parents, and when I heard them I fell in love with them.

That's when the strange part came. Suddenly, I had this incredible sense of peace come over me. Almost a zen feeling. Just peace, quiet, and well...peace. I just felt like somehow, some way, everything was going to be okay. It was such a strange feeling, that for a moment I actually wondered if I had died and was having some sort of out of body experience. How could one go from such utter chaos in the brain, to such peace so quickly? Prayer, I think. Not only have people been sending me strength through their prayers, but I have been praying, asking God to show me peace. Asking Him to give me a sign. I believe I got that sign, and I also believe I got the peace. At least for tonight.

Thinking of You

Today I am thinking of my friend and neighbor Marty-Marr. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of his father's death, and today would have been his father's birthday. I know it's an emotional time for him and he's just on my mind.

After The Storm

In retrospect it's really not that surprising that I had a meltdown this weekend. Historically, it seems like this time of year is notorious for triggering stress and anxiety in me. In fact it was just about this same time a year ago when I flipped out at the gynecologist's office and she sent me to see a psychiatrist to get on the proper medications. That's also when I started seeing Kate. Winter is almost over, Spring is around the corner. I hate Spring.

Yesterday I likened the anxiety attack to a storm. Today I felt like I was walking around the neighborhood looking at the damage. Limbs down, shingles off, papers and other debris scattered about. My chest is hurting like I've had an overdose of caffeine. I feel tired and depressed.

In all this, I can't stop thinking of the journal entry I wrote a few days ago about anxiety being loves greatest killer. I truly felt yesterday that I was grabbing hold of anyone who came near me, and pulling them down with me. I don't blame anyone who would avoid me, or not want to be around me at a time like that. I don't even want to be around myself. I'm wearing myself out.