Nite

Rarely do I have problems sleeping, but tonight I cannot sleep. When I went to bed at 10:30 I felt very sleepy. As usual, I fell asleep within a few minutes, but woke up a short time later feeling too hot. After that I tossed and turned until I finally decided to open up the laptop. I have too much on my mind. I don't even feel like writing about it all. Just overwhelmed with obligations, responsibilities, and lots of feelings and emotions.

It's nearly 2:00 a.m. and I need some sleep. Maybe I will sleep now. Everything will work out. It will.

Ready Or Not....Here I Come!

When I was a kid, I absolutely, positively LOVED the holiday season! On Thanksgiving I would eat until I was miserable. One time I thought I may have actually caused myself bodily harm. I ate so much I seriously feared my stomach would explode. Then it was four weeks of thumbing through the Service Merchandise catalog to decide what I wanted for Christmas! I always had a list of record albums I wanted. Wasn't it fun to see a record album wrapped under the tree? No brainer on that gift! I can remember laying on my back for hours under the Christmas tree, watching the colored lights blink on and off, listening to Charlie Brown Christmas or some other wonderful Christmas show on the big console television. I had all the gifts memorized. The shape, the feel, the sound they made when you shook them. Yes, I loved the holidays.

I'm not really sure what changed, but for me the magic of that season is now gone. Maybe it's because I now spend a day and a half actually preparing the Thanksgiving dinner. The half day beginning on Wednesday evening after a full day at work. And I now know those pretty gifts don't just magically appear under the tree, which doesn't magically become decorated with those pretty lights! Someone has to risk their life to actually drive about town, spending hundreds, maybe even thousands of dollars to buy and wrap the gifts, then an entire day decorating the 9' Christmas tree to place them under. Stuff has to be packed away in boxes to make room for all the decorations we must set out. There are Christmas cards to address. And I always feel obligated to write a nice note to those I don't see often. And I feel I should include a photo of the family; at least the kids. Last year I got so overwhelmed I just gave up on the cards. Oh and for the record...if you ever send me one of those mass produced Christmas letters written to update everyone on all the events of the year....please know that people (myself included) don't like those, and often make fun of them later. If you've never seen the episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where they write the Christmas letter, you're missing out.

Up until maybe five years ago, my parents' living room was overflowing with packages on Christmas Eve. Especially after my two kids came along. We would carry in armloads of gifts from our car. So would my sister, and so would her daughter. Add all that with the things my Mom bought, and it took two hours to open everything. We always opened them one at a time so we didn't miss anything. Mom would buy everyone in the family underwear. She called them "Santa Helpers". The label would always say "To Mary From Santa". I didn't have to buy underwear until I was in my 40's! But the past few years it became a gift card exchange. Everyone gets Christmas cards with gift cards inside. No one even needs to be in charge of the trash bag because there isn't any discarded wrapping paper. My kids no longer believe in Santa Claus and are starting to ask for money for birthdays and Christmas. Last year was the first year in my entire life that I didn't spend Christmas Eve at my parents' house. My sister wasn't able to make it in town and neither was her daughter and their family. So it was just us and my Dad. He came to our house and we had an awkward new tradition. I felt like crying more than once that night.

I know gifts and lights and turkey aren't the "reason for the season". I get that. But the enchantment I felt for Christmas as a child is gone. I'm not ashamed to say I dread it this year. I dread cooking, I dread making out Christmas cards, shopping, and mostly...putting up the tree and decorating the house. I don't really even do the decorating anymore; my husband does most of it. I still dread it.

But like it or not, Christmas is just a few weeks away. Thanksgiving is right around the corner. So fasten your seat belts cause here we go!

Sunday Reflections

While everyone in my house is taking advantage of their extra hour of sleep, I'm going to sit quietly and have my coffee, and write about a few things.

Madison is on my mind heavily this morning. She had a week that would make most people retreat to a corner and assume the fetal position. But Madison seems stronger than ever, and very focused. Keep doing what you are doing Madison. And as you told me, no matter the outcome later, you won't regret the kindness you have been giving.

Still sending love and support to Kitty who is working so hard in South Florida. Another week is in your pocket Kitty. Just keep going!

I am wishing luck to Scarlet in her business endeavor. I know from experience it's very rewarding to put yourself out there and see what you can do. You have a great product and I think you are going to be very successful.

Thinking of Sally as she is preparing for a life change in the months ahead. I know you probably feel scared sometimes. One day at a time.

Thinking of Miss Pamela, who has stood by my side for many, many years. Thank you for always listening, and for being such a good friend. Thank you also for caring about my kids.

I have two new employees starting tomorrow. We have such a tight knit little office, and I am hoping these two people will fit in and we can continue to work in harmony and peace! Also, I am looking forward to spending a couple of days with Mystical, as she helps one of the new hires get adjusted this week.

Mostly today I am thinking about my husband. He is leaving tonight to visit Kitty and her husband in South Florida for several days. I hope this will be a time of reflection for us both, and that we will see things much more clearly when he returns. I am going to pray for this every single day. All I've ever wanted was for us to have a happy, peaceful life together. Not a roller coaster, not a life of drama and sadness. Just closeness and peace. I'm not entirely sure this dream is possible, and I'm now seeing that clearer than ever. But after all that has happened, this is STILL all I want.

How About Now

Once in awhile I write a journal entry, and feel that years down the road, if someone should piece together the most pivotal parts of this journal, this entry would have to be included. Usually it's an entry that was written when I had a revelation--an "ah ha!" moment--a truly large step in my recovery. This is one of those entries.

Maya Angelou once said "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them". In the past several days, this saying has come to be very important, I will even go as far as to say life changing to me. Let me explain.

The last time my husband went to counseling with me he said "This is who I am. I'm not going to change. You can either accept that, or get out". It was a pretty powerful statement, and after it was spoken, there was a thick cloud of tension in the room. Finally Kate said "I really don't think there's anything else that needs to be said. Mary, you need to think about what your husband just said and decide if you choose to accept what he is telling you, or go". I sat there frozen. Frozen, but thinking to myself "What are you thinking, Kate? There's plenty to talk about! We need to talk about why that is an unacceptable statement! Is everyone in this room (except me) an idiot?". Then Kate said "Mary, how are you feeling about what your husband just said?" My frustrated response...."This is not the first time I've heard that. He doesn't really mean it. Tonight he will tell me he was angry when he said it, and he doesn't really mean it".

But in the days and weeks since that session, a very strange thing happened. For the first time since we met...I got it. I realized that my husband had been trying to tell me this for almost two decades, and in my ongoing, tireless, 20 year battle to change him, I simply refused to listen.

When I shared this discovery with Sally, she immediately shared the quote from Maya Angelou, and told me to think about it. "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them". Wow! What a revelation! Now this all seems very clear to me. How could I possibly have heard someone say something to me over and over and over again, and never listened? Never believed them? That is what codependent people do. We feel if we just try hard enough, we have the power to change people. We can't get it through our thick skulls, that most of the time, people are who they are, and they have no desire to change.

Tonight, after yet another incorrect assumption I made about what someone was "really thinking", I sent a text message to Sally saying "When will I ever start to believe people when they show me who they really are?" Sally's response: "How about now?"

Nerved Up

Scarlet and I email or text each other a few times every day; mainly just to check in, or share funny stories of things that have happened at work or home. Inevitably, there's a line that comes up now and then during our quick conversations, and that line is the focus of today's entry: "I'm very nerved up today". Usually the other person will come back with "Why? What's bothering you?". Usually the next response is "I'm not really sure".

But alas....after years of writing this line, and decades of being friends, I believe we finally concluded that if we really think about it, and are honest with ourselves, we always really do know what is causing our anxiety.

So the other night when another dear friend of mine told me she was slipping back into the throws of sadness, anger, and crying, I thought of that line. I believe most of the time we really do know the root of our problem. Sometimes we deny it, or ignore it, or think it will miraculously cure itself, but it doesn't. It may go away for short periods of time, but after awhile it always rears it's ugly head again, and our anxiety and depression returns. Once again, we are nerved up....for "no reason".

Sometimes there's nothing we can do about that burden on our shoulders. Maybe it's something our kids are doing, or maybe it's the loss of a loved one. But sometimes, maybe....just maybe, that weight IS avoidable. Maybe it's fixable. Maybe we can eliminate it from our lives once and for all. What if we did let go of the albatross we carry around our neck? What a glorious feeling that would be!

So I guess my point today is that if you look deep inside and assess that which is causing your ongoing anxiety; think about what it would mean to eliminate that source of stress from your life. Sometimes it may seem too overwhelming--maybe even impossible. But maybe it isn't. Take a look at it from a new angle. Life is short my friends.

How Mary Got Her Groove Back

I'm now well in to Week Two of my annual fall vacation. I can't remember the last time I felt so relaxed and so.....what's the word I'm searching for?.......light. Kinda like when you've been outside in the summer heat all day and you are tired, dirty, and sweaty, then you have a nice cool shower and wash away all the dirt and grime, and step out feeling fresh and rejuvenated. That's how I feel.

I began the vacation by having someone clean my house. Major stress now eliminated. I had a little party for my staff at work. We were all happy, had good food and drink, and sat by the fire outside in the cool autumn evening. More stress eliminated. The next few days would be a little shopping, a hair cut, some naps curled up with the cats, getting my nails done, and the Restylane treatment. Stress is whooshing away now.

But the biggest stress reliever of all came last Friday when I was able to carefully and successfully have a conversation with someone. Something that I'd been building up, but didn't have the courage to execute. Ideas that were born from months of counseling, from a week of spending relaxed time alone with no television or other distractions, and from a great deal of soul searching. Suddenly I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Like I was free of the burden that had been crippling me since about June. The burden that possibly came over me that last night at the beach when I left South Florida.

With my new found emancipation, I headed to the airport on Saturday morning, and ironically boarded a plane, back to South Florida to visit Kitty and her husband. Four days and three nights of the beach, the pool, the farmer's market, and lovely food and drink. Four days and three nights of pure relaxation with no obligations and no demands on me. I left my phone down in my room while I was there--only checking it once or twice a day. No texting, no constant contact with the world. Just me, getting inside my own head, enjoying my liberation, and being with two people I love very much. Remainder of stress......poof.....gone.

Kitty told me I seemed like a different person from when I was there 4 months ago. I seemed confident and happy for the first time in awhile. She said I got my groove back. And it's funny--that's how I felt too. Insecurity, jealousy, codependence, constant worry about what everyone else is doing or thinking, all vanished. I was thinking about me, in that moment. Enjoying life and getting in touch with myself. No one else....just me.

I thank Kitty and her husband for lending me their home, giving me space and privacy, and putting absolutely no demands on me. They are most gracious hosts. This time when I left; no tears. Only happiness. I thank Kate for the months of counseling that taught me I wasn't crazy; I just have distorted thinking. She is helping me work out so many tangled ropes in my life. But mostly I'm thankful that I got up the nerve to say my peace. Thankful for the words that flowed out so perfectly. Thankful that I got my point across clearly and loudly.

I still have 4 more days of vacation before I return to the hectic, daily grind next Tuesday. I want to stay in this place. I want to keep working on myself. I don't really know what crossed over in me, other than the fact that I was able to stand still for more than three minutes, organize my thoughts, then articulate them. Something I waited way too long to do.

Restylane Results

I had my Restylane treatment today, and so far am very happy with the results. You pay by the vial. Today my doctor only used about 3/4 of that vial, so when this round has had a chance to finish settling, I will go back (3-4 weeks) and he'll use the rest of it.

It was not pain free, but also not unbearable. Stung quite a bit when the needle was in. There was a tiny bit of redness, as you can see (the "after" picture was taken within 10 minutes of the injections) but nothing serious.

Here are the before and after pictures. This is without makeup. Sorry they are sideways...

So far I'm quite happy.