Sunday, October 16, 2011

Don't Look At Me!

To the partner of an addict, the easiest thing in the entire world, the thing that comes most naturally to us, is getting angry with the behavior of the addict. Especially when they are laying in the yard passed out, or miss an important engagement because they are drunk. Or worse yet, go to an important engagement and act like a fool. It's so easy to point the finger at them! Everyone is on our side! They all agree that the addict is the bad guy. The addict is the problem. We are WELL within our rights to bitch, complain, and even walk away from the drunkard.

But you know what's not so easy? Making the decision to take a stand when things are a little more gray. When the roller coaster is up and running. Bad days mixed in with a lot of good days. Stretches of using mixed in with some really good periods of sobriety. A far cry from the way things used to be. Do we really have a right to be angry? After all, they haven't done anything that bad...right?

So when things are gray like this and we decide we've had enough, the finger pivots around and now points to us. We are the ones who are rocking the boat. We are the ones who can't leave "okay" alone. Us codependents.....we don't like that feeling so much.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Running In Place

Today I had my first counseling session in three weeks. When Kate asked how things were going, and what all had transpired in the last three weeks, I was happy to report that I felt like I was making some pretty decent strides. Baby steps, or maybe even more than that. But the odd thing was, even though I felt like I was taking steps in the right direction, I felt that I wasn't actually getting anywhere. I felt like I was running in place.

The steps I have taken are mostly about myself. I'm working hard on my battered self esteem. I no longer feel quite so fat, quite so old, quite so unlovable and undesirable. I feel like I see where I want to be in my life and have a strong desire to get there. But even after taking these steps, things aren't changing much for me. I feel I'm still in the same place I've been for quite some time--in the front seat of a roller coaster that keeps going, and going, and going. Up hills, and down hills. Around turns and loops. Over, and over, and over again.

I'm ready for some type of change in my life, my friends. I'm ready to get off the roller coaster, and get on the straight away for awhile. I will be the first to admit; I'm not sure how I'll do that, but I need it...really bad.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

My Current State of Mind

I have a thousand things to say, but can't say any of them.
I have a thousand words to write, but can't write any of them.
I have more going on in my head than I ever have, yet am writing in my journal less than ever.
I want to blow up....to explode....to scream at the top of my lungs, but instead I am sitting quietly saying and doing nothing. Not talking, not writing, not posting, not blowing up, not exploding, not screaming.

Just sitting quietly.

Thinking, pondering, weighing, deliberating, and then sleeping.

Monday, October 3, 2011

The Morning Sun When It's In Your Face Really Shows Your Age

For the past several weeks, I've been working on feeling better about myself. I've been losing some weight, buying new clothes and shoes, and trying to look my best. This is an attempt at building self confidence, and so far it's working pretty well. But try as I may, I'm having a really hard time getting past the wrinkling and sagging that is occurring on my 47 year old face.

During my recent visit to the dermatologist, we discussed this problem. I'm not interested in going under the knife, or doing anything drastic, so my dermatologist recommended a procedure called restylane. Restylane is a gel that is injected underneath the skin to plump it up and fill in the lines. The results are not permanent, but should last several months. During that time, my dermatologist will perform a series of regular chemical peels to remove the layers of sun damaged skin he says is causing the "cracking" effect I dislike so much. I'm told most patients are ecstatic with the results they achieve from restylane, particularly when combined with the peels.

Perhaps I'm being vain. Perhaps I should be satisfied with the face I've acquired over time...but right now I'm just not. My husband is rather skeptical about the whole thing and had some less than enthusiastic words to say about it, but I'm doing this for me. I don't want to come out looking like Joan Rivers--just looking like Mary from a few years ago would be wonderful.

I'll be posting some before and after photos, and will keep you in the loop about the procedure.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

To A Friend

We never know what's going to happen to us next, do we? Life is full of changes, surprises, and lots of challenges. Some challenges we accept, some we do not. Sometimes when we accept a challenge, we are pleased with the outcome. Other times....not so much. Sometimes our heart tells us to move on. Sometimes it tells us to stay put.

Sometimes change is a good thing. Often (at least for me) it's a scary thing. We don't always have to embrace it. Listen to your heart--listen to your head. Pray. You'll make the right decision.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Fun With Shoes


It never ceases to amaze me how good a new pair of shoes can make me feel. I don't care a thing in the world about designer names, never have. No matter the label, I want to put on a hot pair of shoes that fit me well, and make even an old outfit come to life. It's helpful if the shoes are comfortable, because if you look awkward or like you are in pain when walking in them, you've defeated the purpose, right?

Clearly, some shoes are "sit down" shoes. You just need to get where you are going and sit down, before you fall or before your feet begin to scream. But the best ones are the ones that feel good AND look good.

So go shoe shopping this weekend. Grab something that may be a bit out of character for you. Maybe even some great boots.

I promise it will give you a glimmer of happiness when the alarm goes off one day this week and you remember you have your fun new shoes to wear!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

My Mom

Yesterday was my yearly visit to my dermatologist for a skin check. He and I are only three months apart in age, and usually have at least some dialog about who's older or how aging is affecting us. Yesterday the doctor told me he looks in the mirror these days and sees his father. I told him I feel the same way! I'm morphing in to my dad. A little harder for a woman to swallow than a man. Anyway, my point is that most all my genes come from my dad. Very few of my physical traits come from my mother.

The same can be said about my daughter. She gets very few characteristics from me. She has many more of her Aunt Kitty's features than mine. But there is one interesting trait that passed from my mom to me, and then to my daughter. The love of singing.

When I was growing up I would hear my mom sing all the time. She sang to songs on the radio. She sang to her favorite record albums. She sang loudly at church. But my favorite memories of Mom singing were times when she got together with her brothers and they played music. Guitars, banjos, mandolins, steel guitars; they would play for hours and hours down in the country on my grandma's porch. Or sometimes here in the city, if we were lucky enough to get everyone together. They played what I call mountain music. A mix of gospel, bluegrass, and country. The brothers would play and my mother would sing in her best Eastern Kentucky twang, until the sun went down and everyone was tired. As a child, sometimes this playing and singing would annoy me, but in later years I couldn't get enough of it. I even recorded my mom singing. Now that is a cherished memory of mine.

I shared my mother's love of singing. As a young child I would sit in our attic bedroom and play my sister's albums, learning the words to them all. As I grew, and we moved to a new house, I would sit in the basement for hours, singing and drawing. When I met Scarlet, we quickly discovered a mutual love for similar types of music. We were both raised on classic country; Tammy Wynette, George Jones, Johnny Cash, Loretta Lynn. We also loved groups like Heart, and singers like Pat Benetar, and Crystal Gayle. Scarlet and I spent many evenings and weekends playing records and singing. Often, Scarlet would bring one of her guitars and play. To this day, Scarlet and I enjoy singing karaoke and whaling out our favorite songs.

I am so happy that my daughter, who is now 12 years old, shares this love. She sits at the computer or listens to her iPod, and sings along to all her favorite songs. Once in awhile, she'll even grab the karaoke mike. Tonight I heard her singing loud and proud and it reminded me of how Mom would come downstairs and catch me singing. At first I would be embarrassed, but Mom would say "Rare back and sing it, honey!" It never mattered how good it sounded; Mom loved to hear me sing. It doesn't matter how my daughter sounds either. What matters is the love of song, and the freedom and confidence to open your mouth and let your voice shine through.

I'm happy that this is a trait....no, a gift, that the three generations have shared. I hope it is one that will carry on for many generations to come.