Constant Craving

Going back to yesterday's post, let me be clear about something. Codependent people are not just codependent on their spouses or lovers. And they don't all have a relationship with an addict; it just so happens many of them do. People with codependent tendencies constantly crave approval, attention, and never ending praise and love from many other people. Friends, bosses, parents...pretty much everyone. They simply draw their energy and their self worth from other people. It isn't enough to know you are loved, you need to beTOLD you are loved--constantly. It isn't enough to know you did a good job, you need your boss to TELL you what a wonderful job you did. Codependent people cannot seem to be content within themselves. They need others to affirm, confirm, and provide never ending reassurance. They want to feel wanted and needed.

Sunday Reflections

When you have a codependent personality, your world often revolves around other people. There are times when you find your independence and can fly strong and on your own for awhile, but that's often short lived and you find yourself back in the rut of letting other people's behavior control your happiness. When they are attentive to you and things are going your way, it can be the happiest, highest feeling imaginable. But when they are not giving you what you want or need, it's the lowest of low. The loneliest feeling in the world.

I live on this roller coaster every day. I rarely have control over my own happiness, because I allow my happiness to hinge on the behavior of others. Usually those people are unreliable and unpredictable, thus so is my happiness.It's been nearly three years since I started writing about this subject. Three years of trying to find my independence. Three years, three different therapists. Three years of piecing together how I got to this point. Three years of understanding the patterns I keep repeating and the affects they have on me. Three years and I'm really no better than I was when I started.

My current therapist, Kate tells me that there's really not much she can tell me that I don't already know. I completely understand codependence and how it has affected my life. I understand the unhealthy behaviors--often I see them coming. Rarely do I dodge the bullet. I get it. I really do. But after three years, I still don't seem to be able to stop it.

I'll never give up trying. At least I don't think I will. I've got a lot of reflective time coming up this fall. I have a two and a half week vacation from work, and will spend four days of that time with Kitty at her place in South Florida. Shortly after that, my husband will go down there for a week. I love the fall. It's by far my favorite time of year, and the time I feel most alive. I'm hoping the alone time will help me with my independence. I think the time apart will do us all good.

Codependency Check Up

A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.

Yep...that's still me!

Mom????

Tonight I was visiting with my friends Sara and Marty-Marr. We were enjoying some of Sara's wonderful homemade apple turnovers and coffee, and as always, good conversation. Sara lost her father to cancer a few years back, and Marty-Marr has lost both his parents since I lost my mom, and we often talk about the four of them and how their deaths have affected us. It's nice to bounce those emotions off someone who is feeling the same way.

Tonight Marty-Marr posed an interesting question. Maybe more of an observation. He said he had noticed that at both our houses, the only photos of our parents that were out on display were those taken when our parents were young...and beautiful.

We both agreed that looking at photos of our parents from recent years made us sad, but that the photos from decades back, somehow made us feel happy. My mom was beautiful, but I must say, in the 1940's, Marty-Marr's mother was a stone cold fox. There are lovely photos of her in Betty Grable type bathing suits and heels. You can't help but look at those photos and smile.

But some sadness does come from that. You see photos of your mom with three or four other young women; clearly close friends. You wonder where they were. Who were the friends? What happened to them? Questions that will never be answered, and that is bittersweet. After her death, Marty-Marr uncovered a wealth of old photos that made him wonder about the woman he never knew. He wished he'd taken the time to look at those photos while his mom was alive, so she could have answered the questions, and given him greater insight into who she really was back then. Clearly, she wasn't always the mama who bandaged his knee and fought off the bullies.

So if your parents are still alive--get to know them. Drag out those old photo albums now, before it's too late. Ask questions. Listen to stories. You might just be surprised.

Lyrics I Like

"Disillusion and confusion
they make me wanna cry"

-Angus Young, Malcolm Young, Bon Scott

Codependent Sunday

My counselor says that not every problem in life has a solution. She says that some things just don't have a definitive right or wrong answer. For me, that simply does not compute. In my job, if there is a complaint or a problem, I work it out until the issue is resolved. Then, I jot down some good notes, and file it away. It's fixed. End of story. So to accept that some of the issues in my life may not have a resolution, is a hard pill for me to swallow.

I am a fixer. I am a people-pleaser. I am a rescuer. I am massively codependent. How the hell am I supposed to accept the fact that I can't control or fix aspects of my life that feel effed up to me?

I've been writing this journal now for nearly three years. It is supposed to document my journey "out" of codependence. But no matter how hard I claw and dig to climb my way out, I always seem to grab hold of something slippery, and slide right back down to the pit from where I first started. When that happens I feel hopeless, stupid, and totally disgusted with myself. I try to reach into my mind and remember all the things I've learned. I try to think of detaching, of letting go of that which I have no control. But sometimes it just doesn't work. Right now is one of those times.

While everyone in my life seems content and happy, I regularly feel like my head is about to explode. While others seem to have no problem at all accepting "what is", I feel as though things are totally and completely out of control. Madison says things aren't out of control at all, it's just that some things are simply out of MY control.

There are things in my life that are not so great, but there are a lot of things that are very good. Yet I seem hell bent on ruining them by picking them apart. I don't get that about myself, but I know for sure it's born out of my need to control everything and possibly everyone around me. It also comes from my massive insecurities, and an absolutely insatiable need to feel loved and wanted.

I keep thinking back to Del Shores' tweet: "You don't need everyone to love you". But even more so I get the fact that his friend had to remind him of that in the first place.

My counselor has a sign up in her office that reads "It Is What It Is". People like me would be so much happier if we could just accept that. How sad that we so desperately want to jump up and scratch out those words and write "It Will Be What I Want It To Be".

I'm going to go upstairs now and soak in a nice hot bath. I'm going to pray for peace and wisdom in dealing with those things that I'm told have no answer--things I can't fix and file away. I'm going to say over and over again:

God grant me the Serenity to
Accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can and
Wisdom to know the difference

Dang You, Lionel Richie!

This morning I got an email from my friend Old Beth. She said that she was driving to work this morning and a song came on the radio that reminded her of when we were 16 years old, carefree, and living at home with our folks. She said she started crying so hard she had to change the station.

I don't know that we truly felt carefree at 16, although in our late 40's, it sure seems like we did. I'm sure we had our problems. Back then all we could think about was getting out and being independent. Making some money and getting married.

Today, sometimes I don't like being a big girl. The responsibilities can be overwhelming.