Journaling 1981 Style

I'm sitting up in my bed with my laptop, well....on my lap, trying to think of something to write in this journal, and then it hit me. I was thinking of doing this very thing 30 or more years ago. Well, sort of.

As a teenager, I would retreat to my bedroom at night, then lay awake listening to the radio. Sometimes I would draw, sometimes I would read my "Living Bible" and underline all the scriptures I thought were interesting. Once in awhile I would sneak the phone (which looked identical to the one pictured here) up under my bed covers and ever so slowly and quietly, dial someone's phone number and have a late night chat. But usually I would write. I had all sorts of stationery that I used for letters to my girlfriend Kim, who had gone off to college at UofK. I wrote to my girlfriend Gale in Ohio, and letters to my boyfriend Chris W. after he went in the Marine Corps. I wrote letters and drew pictures for everyone. I had journals, and like now would write the things I was thinking or feeling at the time.

But in those days it would have been almost impossible to imagine the technology of today. I'd be listening to an iPod, not a radio with dials. And the stationery has been replaced by electronic messaging. I'm not sure that back then I could have dreamed that virtually every person in the world would have an entire library of information at at their fingertips. No more writing to the guy at the local newspaper to ask the name of a movie you saw a few years back. Just Google it.

But some of these things are a lost art. Radio DJs who could actually play the songs they wanted to play, and who had the freedom to play your late night request if you called in. The beauty or humor of colorful stationery and colored ink. All gone.

It would have been hard for me to imagine the different struggles I write about today. Even though some are remarkably similar to the ones I had in those days, many are not.

I love today's technology and the freedom it gives us, but often I do feel nostalgic for the way things were in 1981.

The Leaf Dance

I had the strangest experience driving to work yesterday morning. It was a little abstract, I hope I can describe it so you might be able to visualize and share it with me.

I was driving down a road that is heavily lined with very old, very large trees. At that particular time of the morning, the entire street was in shade. But beams of light shot straight down through the trees, making spotlights on the road. Many of the trees were shedding their very small, round shaped leaves, and the little yellow leaves covered the road. There was only myself and the car about 5 car lengths ahead of me.

"Benny and the Jets" had come on the radio, and was at the part where Elton John plays a catchy, almost burlesque type piano solo. As the car ahead of me drove over the tiny leaves, they whirled up in the air, danced around, and fell back down to the ground in the most beautiful, delicate way. I felt like they were doing a special little dance, just for me. A little sign that Fall is coming.

It only lasted for several seconds, but the petite little yellow leaves spotlighted by the sharp morning sun, gracefully dancing to the beautiful music of one of my favorite artists, made me feel so happy. It was like I got a special little present that no one else in the world was given.

Will You Love Me Forever??

In case you aren't familiar with him, Del Shores is a talented film director, writer, and producer. He is probably best known for his play "Sordid Lives", which later became a film, and eventually a short lived television series. It's a cult favorite, with fans (including Scarlet and myself) able to quote lines from every scene. Del Shores is also a self proclaimed codependent. We should hang out sometime.

In April, 2010 I posted a wonderful quote about codependence from one of Del's plays.

Today I came across something Del posted on Twitter earlier this year. I liked it so much I'm going to share it too:

"You don't need everyone to love you" great quote from Robb. Thanks... this codependent needed to hear that tonight!"

Madison and I have had some discussions recently about this very thing. Why do codependent people so desperately want other people to want them and to love them? Why do we worry, worry, worry about this all the time? Is it because we don't fully love ourselves? Sometimes I have to wonder if it's even possible for us to ever feel loved enough. I'm not sure it is. There's always this insecurity that the other person is going to leave us, lie to us, or love someone else more.

Words That Stick

Words are powerful. Sometimes you can say something, or someone can say something to you that sticks in your head forever. Words or phrases you will never, ever forget as long as you live. Sometimes you remember it because it made you happy, or sad. Maybe it was erotic. Maybe it shocked you, or maybe it changed your life forever. For me, here are some that spring to mind.

Sally, to me: "How far away is all the time dread?"
Scarlet, to me outside the Luxor in Las Vegas: "It's as hot as damned Egypt!"
Me, to my husband when we were dating: "I think I'm falling in love with you"
My gynecologist, to me: "What's going on with you?"
My psychiatrist, to me: "I feel pretty confident I can help you"
My therapist, to me: "Sometimes there's not a way to fix things"
Me, to my therapist: "Is that okay?"
My husband, to me: "Right now I'm here, but one day I'm going to be here"
Our neighbor Dorothy, to my mother: "They just said on the news that Elvis died"
My friend Kathie, to me: "Michael Jackson is dead"
My mother, to me: "One of the Beatles was killed last night"
Someone named Sandy who used to work with me, to me and my coworkers: "My husband just called and said the space shuttle blew up"
Some guy at a bar, to me: "You have the most beautiful lips I've ever seen"
Miss Pamela, to my husband and me: "There's the blue van!"
My husband, to Robert Plant: "I love you, man"
My mother-in-law, to me: "I know I can never take the place of your mother, but I swear to you I love you like I love my own children, and I will always be there for you"
My boss, to me: "Remember...it's just a job"
Kitty, to me: "Life is complicated"

I Remember You!

Sometimes I have the strangest feeling that there are people in my life that I've always known. And I don't mean I've known them since I was a kid, I mean I've known them "forever". My husband and I both felt that way with our children. During both pregnancies, somehow we already knew what their personalities would be like. When I was first carrying my son, we didn't have a boy name picked out, but we did have my daughter's name picked out. When we found out the child was a boy we were excited, but instantly both of us had a little sadness that the girl wasn't coming. Somehow we knew she was waiting, and would come to us soon. Two years later, she did.

When my daughter was about three, she would say how she remembered playing with her Grammy when Grammy was a little girl. They played in a field and picked flowers. At first we tried to explain to her that Grammy was a grown up when she was born, but that did not change her insistence on the subject.

I believe there are old souls in this world and newer souls. The older I get, the more I believe we may be sent back here to learn the things we just didn't get the last time around. And maybe we come back with some, but not all of the same people. Maybe that's why we are drawn to certain people, and feel instantly comfortable with them. Maybe that's why some friends come in to our lives at an early age and even with long periods of not seeing each other, we know we must never fully lose contact with them.

Seriously suffering from writer's block.