Farrah's Story

I was surprisingly moved by the documentary "Farrah's Story" which aired on NBC tonight. I really only watched it by chance. Almost immediately after the show began however, I forgot about Farrah being a celebrity and just thought of her as a woman battling cancer. By the time the show finished I felt like she was my friend and I was literally sobbing.

I am far from ready to die but I'm not afraid to die. I am however, terrified of cancer. I honestly don't think I could endure what this woman has had to go through. No one should have to endure what this woman has gone through, yet I doubt there's even one person reading this who doesn't know someone who has had to fight this fight.

The bond between Farrah and her friend Alana Stewart touched my heart. Farrah's decision to document her journey along with Alana, was poignant and moving, and allowed us to hear her story in Farrah's own beautifully written words, instead of believing what's published in the tabloids she was forced to battle through much of her illness.

You will be an angel, Farrah. I hope your pain will soon be over and your spirit will be set free. Thank you for sharing your wonderful, courageous story with us.

Counting My Blessings

When I came out of work today and discovered my front tire was flat again I decided I'd ride it up to the quickie mart and fill it with air again just as I had done during lunch today. I'm getting a new set put on tomorrow so I figured a can of Fix-A-Flat and some air would hold me over til then.

By the time I got to the air hose my tire had come off the rim. There would be no fixing this tire. I called AAA who sent a Rescue Ranger to put on my little spare.

I felt a little sorry for myself until I got home and heard the voice message saying my friend's brain cancer was back and they were performing another surgery on him in a few days. I changed my attitude real quick. Thank you God for only giving me a flat tire today! Aren't I lucky that I didn't damage my rim driving to the gas station? Aren't I blessed to have a cell phone, an AAA membership, and a good spare tire??!! Life is good!!

How'd You Know, Jillian?

Conversation between Jillian Michaels and Tara on this week's episode of "Biggest Loser". The scene is that Tara has gone home for 30 days and Jillian pops in for a visit. Tara's room is in total disarray with clothes all over the place. Jillian is trying to dig out a place to sit on the bed.

Jillian (to the camera): It's like a tornado has hit.

Jillian: What happened?

Tara: I feel like I've lost control.

Jillian (to the camera): All of the panic and all of the chaos she feels inside of her is reflected in the state of her bedroom.

Jillian: We still haven't found that balance. Where is the balance?

I played the part about "reflected in the state of her bedroom" over and over again. I felt like Jillian Michaels was sitting in my bedroom talking directly to me.

My Shrunken Head Collection

I had my first counseling session today. My therapist seems like a very cool lady who has her office in a lovely historic home in our city’s Victorian District. I am happy to report I think we will be a good fit and I have scheduled another appointment for next Wednesday. I want to write about my discoveries after each visit. This will encourage me to think about what we discussed in our sessions and will help me journal my entire experience with her. I will call my therapist “Dr. Eve”.

Today’s session was about getting to know me and what brought me there. No surprises at first; I told her I was there because my life at work had been turned upside down, I’m married to an alcoholic whom I'd like to be able to communicate with, I have massive anxiety and control issues, and I had an awakening several months ago about my codependence issues. The shocker was that on not one, but two different times during the session I mentioned my mother and instantly started to cry. I didn’t see that coming. I haven’t cried when speaking of my mother in awhile. I shed a few tears on the one year anniversary of her death a couple of weeks ago, but all in all I really thought I was doing pretty well. Apparently I’m still grieving, and I’m pretty sure Dr. Eve and I will need to set aside some time to discuss my Mom.

Another interesting item I took from today’s session happened when I started thinking of too many issues at once and got myself nerved up. Dr. Eve stopped me in mid sentence and asked me if I was aware that I don’t breathe. Obviously I was not... She said she noticed it very early on in the session. I do my breathing from the top of my chest and lungs which means I can easily hyperventilate and cause myself anxiety attacks. Who knew? She even said she could hear it in my voice. She taught me some techniques and I will be practicing them diligently in the days to come. I have to train myself to breathe differently. I found it curious no one has ever mentioned that to me before.

Aside from the breathing, the most interesting part of this session was concerning "Fight or Flight". The shortened-condensed version of this is that our early ancestors had to rely on rushes of adrenaline to protect them against enemies and predators. When faced with danger our adrenaline rushes and we are capable of doing almost super human things (you've heard of the mom who is able to lift a car off her child or the hiker who is able to toss a boulder off their broken leg). In today's world we rarely have to flee from wooly mammoths or sabre tooth tigers but we still regularly have these rushes when faced with fear or panic. The problem is, if we're not running it out, all that energy manifests in our jaw, our neck, our back, our shoulders, creating things like numb fingers, chest pains, and migraines (all ailments of mine). So what do we do to empty our bodies of this excess lactic acid and built up tension? Run! Or exercise, yoga, meditation.

This week I will work on my breathing techniques. Also, I will be aware of holding tension in my muscles and put forth a little effort to get back into walking or some other form of exercise. I think I'll do a little more research on "Fight or Flight" too.

Thanks, Dr. Eve. I think this is going to be helpful.

What I Learned During Derby 2009

Now that I've had a couple of days to reflect, here are some of the things I learned during Derby 2009.

1. After 17 years together I still do not understand why my husband feels the need to celebrate Derby so intensely that he causes himself physical damage. It's almost as if the apologies and rehabilitation afterward are all a part of the Derby experience to him. I don't care how many books I read, I will never understand this.

2. Try as I may to avoid this, I am still way too concerned with what my husband is doing most of the time. I know I must focus on myself, but I continue to focus on him. But because of my awareness of this problem I have now discovered a strange phenomenon-- others are doing it too. I had a steady stream of emails and phone calls during the week with people asking me what he was doing, how much he was drinking, and how he was behaving. The big question: can my codependency make other people codependent????

3. I discovered I don't like it when other people tell me my husband is stupid. He isn't stupid, he is an alcoholic. When he drinks his behaviors become manic, over the top, and extremely annoying, but he isn't stupid. I guess it's like the boy who defends his little brother. I can criticize or fight with him, but I really don't like it when someone else does.

4. When my husband and I do argue, the same unresolved issues always seem to resurface, and they came out loud and clear this week. They need to be resolved once and for all.

5. My husband is not cured of alcoholism. I am not cured of codependency. We love each other but we have some issues. The good news is we love each other and we both want to be better. Better individuals, better parents, and a better couple.

I'm glad as hell it's over for another year. I have my first counseling session tomorrow. I hope this counselor is a good fit for me; I'm ready to move forward.

R.I.P. Skipper

Wise Words

Today I got an email from my good friend Madison. It said "I read your blog. You are no hoarder. You are choosing to ignore the things you can control (cleaning up the clutter) because you are continuing to focus all your energy on things you cannot control."

So very simple. So very true.

It's Derby Eve and I'm now logging off the computer so I can start cleaning up some of the crap in my bedroom.

Thanks, Madison. That's the smartest thing anyone has said to me in awhile.