A Message To Sally

I want to send support to my friend Sally.

She has had a very rough few days but has managed to keep her head on straight and make some very good decisions. Healthy, tough decisions.

Sally has found the "Courage to Change the Things She Can", and I am so very proud of her.

Stay strong Sally, and keep praying. This too, shall pass.

Quick Thought

Why is it we are so quick to take care of others, but sometimes find it so difficult to take care of ourselves? Sometimes it's hard to set aside time in our day to do something that's just for us, but it's so important.

A very dear friend of mine feels guilty if she does anything at all for herself aside from basic needs. I think I'll invite her out for a lunch one day, or maybe even a pedicure.

Sounded Like Two Beers

Today I stopped in the pet shop to buy a pound of gerbil food. As I was approaching the cash register I overheard the two girls who worked at the pet shop having a conversation. Actually, one girl was doing all the talking, the second girl was trying to work. It went something like this:

Girl #1: I called him.

Girl #2: Yeah? That will be $1.59, please.

Girl #1: I asked him how many.

Girl #2: Huh?

Girl #1: How many beers he'd had! He wouldn't tell me. But I can pretty much tell how many he's had just by his voice.

Girl #2: Okay.

Girl #1: Two. He's had two beers so far. I can always tell.

Girl #1 was a pretty little thing, not more than 20 years old. I instantly wanted to grab her and shake the shit out of her.

I wanted to say "Are you married to this guy? If you're not, you better run like the wind, girl"!!!!! You think you can count those beers by listening to his voice now? Wait about ten years! Wait til you've laid awake in bed tossing and turning, praying he'll pull in the driveway alive and in one piece. Wait til he HAS pulled in the driveway alive and in one piece and you greet him at the door and try to kill him! Wait til you devise a "formal rating system" for use with your best friend to tell her how drunk he was on a scale of 1-10. Wait til one day when you have to write a blog to heal yourself from the years of worry, obsession, and anger! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?????"

But I didn't. I took my change and my gerbil food and left. I did say some prayers for her though.

Quotes I Like

"I always learn the hard way. But come to think of it, so do most people.

Rarely have I heard a person say, 'I learn the easy way.'"

-Gary E.

Secret Rooms

My Dad is a master at turning away from anything negative. He changes the channel when unpleasant things come on the television. In my family we never discussed controversial or unhappy things, we just locked them away in a room someplace so we didn't have to see them or think about them. This is a technique I apparently learned quite well.

I rarely speak of my first marriage or my ex-husband. People who know me best were shocked to read yesterday's journal entry. They had no idea. I guess I really had thrown away the key on that one.

Based on the reaction yesterday's post received, I have come to the realization that the seven years I locked away after my divorce were pivotal.

The incident I wrote about yesterday was just one of many. There were a hundred more just like it or worse. I don't want to relive the past and I don't want to reopen old wounds, but I think if I go back a little here and there and look at some of the things that happened to me between 1983 and 1990 I might be able to see why I behave the way I do today.

You'll go in there with me, right?

My Ex-Husband

Since my big epiphany about my codependence, I've been thinking alot about how it all came to be. When I started studying the condition, my immediate reaction was that it was all my (current) husband's fault. I was behaving this way because of his drinking. As I mentioned the other day, I've since began to understand I've been this way for a long time; maybe all my life.

Lately I've been thinking about my first marriage, and the huge role it played in creating the monster I became. Many people that know me now don't even know I was married before, but in fact I was--for seven years. Seven years I have virtually blocked from memory because they sucked. But I think it's important to dig up a little of that time in my life. Maybe it's time to come to terms with a few things that I buried and never truly dealt with.

There's a lot to this story, and since I don't think any of us are up for another long, drawn out "mini series", I'll just write random things about him (and me) over time as they surface. Maybe at some point they will all connect.

Today's thought:

One night a friend and I sat in my car for four hours waiting for my ex-husband, David to come out of a bar. I suspected he was in there with another woman; I was correct. Four hours was plenty of time to work myself into a rage, thinking of him betraying me. I fantasized about mowing both of them down as they unexpectedly exited the bar. I fantasized about calling her husband so he could be there with me when it all went down. Oh, they will be sorry.

By the time they came out of the bar at around 2:00 a.m. I had worked myself into quite a frenzy. Even though it was summer, I was shaking down to my bones. My hands were frozen and unsteady. I waited for them to walk near me and then I started the car. I blinded them with my bright headlights as I gunned straight towards them. Then, at the last moment I slammed on my brakes and got out of the car. I screamed. I cursed. I think I even pretended to faint. I heard my mild-mannered friend actually threaten them both with physcial harm, and say the "F" word for the first time ever. Of course it was a huge scene; one of many in my sordid life.

I see now this was a pathetic and desperate attempt on my part to control their behavior. Surely they would see that I was on to them and that I was potentially crazy, and surely they would stop what they were doing and David and I could get on with our lives. Why, oh WHY didn't I make better use of that four hours and just start packing my things??

Of course I didn't. Of course I stayed for a long time after that, and things just got worse. My attempts to control didn't work even back then.

I guess part of the reason for my codependence is a result of my husband's drinking, but it's starting to be very clear it's so not the only reason. It's also very clear I've got a very long way to go in this recovery.

These ARE The Good Old Days

Yesterday I was listening to the Bruce Springsteen song "Glory Days". The song is about sitting around with your old friends reminiscing about the good old days. Towards the end Bruce says "and I hope when I get old I don't sit around thinking about it, but I probably will". This reminded me of another song by Carly Simon in which she reminds us "these are the good old days".

I recently became a member of Facebook. Something I love and hate at the same time. I've reconnected with several people from the past; some of which I'm interested in, some.....not so much. Anyway, I keep reading about "remember when" or "how young we were" or "the good old days".

Have you ever had your photo taken and thought how unattractive you look and then five years later you see the same photo and think "man, I was hot!"? I do it all the time.

So I've been thinking. We're so quick to think how great things were back in the day, but we need to focus on today. One day we will look back to today and think "when I was younger" or "back in the good old days".

The past is gone and while it's fun to look back, we're not dead yet! We need to work hard and strive to be the best we can be TODAY. That way when we look back on 2009 and beyond, we'll be proud of ourselves.