Kentucky Derby Day 2016

I've been writing this blog for seven and a half years. In the beginning, very regularly. As of late, posts are few and far between. 

My life is so different now than it was in October, 2008. I detached. I stepped back from the people who caused me extreme duress. I stopped worrying about what everyone else was doing and thinking. I let go of the need to control. 

Do I have a bad day now and then?  Yes. 

Do I still find myself struggling with friends and other people who try to manipulate me?  Yes. 

Am I exactly where I want to be?  No. 

But I've come so far. And I'm not done yet. 

April 14, 2016

Life is moving so fast. 

It terrifies and excites me all at the same time. 

A Glimpse Inside My Head

I have a hundred things to say and no energy to say any of them. My mind is whirling like a tornado. 

Tomorrow is my last session with Kate. 

I'm getting ready to start a new and exciting venture in my life.

I returned a jacket I ordered online, and the company says they never received it. USPS said it was delivered on March 7. Just thinking about tackling that issue makes me want to go to bed and stay there. 

I've been pondering whether or not it's possible to love your life and hate it at the same time. 

I have guilt just typing that sentence.  

Tomorrow I'm seeing a rheumatologist to discuss the situation with my skin. 

Some days I feel like I can't possibly take my job even one more day. 

These are some of the thoughts I'm having, yet I don't have the energy to elaborate on any of them. I am so tired.

Sunday Update

Wow. It's been a month since my last post!  Not really sure where the time has gone. 

I've been spending any precious free time I might have on starting my jam business. This is something that makes me very happy. If I can work out logistics on a kitchen that will be acceptable to the board of health, I plan to apply for a cottage license. This will really get the ball rolling. Until then I am perfecting recipes, practicing, learning, and building a brand. 

Still working on my three year plan. 

Natalia has gained nearly 9 lbs since she has been in the U.S.  I don't really think it's her diet. It's lack of exercise. She has gone from working out at the gym every day after school, to coming home, eating, and starting on homework. Both she and her parents are surprised by the amount of homework American students are given. She has just made the lacrosse team however, and will be getting plenty of exercise at that. Keeping up with academics will now be even more of a challenge. 

All in all life is good. Is this where I see myself in three years?  No. Is this where I need to be now?  Yes. The rest will fall in to place in due time. 

Three Year Plan

Aside from the pure and absolute joy my children give to me, I absolutely cannot stand where I'm at in my life right now. 

I'm ready for changes. And I am on a 3 year plan to get there. 

If God lets me live, and doesn't strike me with some unbearable affliction or tragedy in the meantime, my life will be a whole lot different then. 

A Day In The Life

Today was kind of a rough day. 

Life is evolving yet again. Nothing is constant. Nothing. 

And it was really, really cold. 

Nataliaisms

Almost every day, something interesting happens with Natalia, then I think I should post in this blog. But then life happens, and there never seems to be time. So I will group several of them together now.

We don't wear flip-flops in public.

Natalia says that people in Spain have flip-flops, but only wear them at the beach or pool. Never for fashion, as everyday attire. She said her mother would never let her go out in public wearing flip-flops as part of her outfit!

We don't turn on the Christmas lights.

She says some people decorate their homes with Christmas lights, but it is too expensive to turn them on for long, so typically they are only on for a couple of days.

We don't exchange presents on Christmas Day.

Natalia's family celebrates Three Kings Day, which is January 6. This is the day they exchange their gifts, although they may get to open one on Christmas eve or Christmas day.

I threw it away.

Natalia had her first encounter with a rice crispy treat. She said it was disgusting, and tasted very strange. She wasn't sure what she was eating. After one bite, it landed in the trashcan.

Stay tuned. There's literally something pretty much every day.

Life With Natalia

Natalia recently experienced her first American Thanksgiving. Well, I guess I could say her first Thanksgiving in general, because they do not celebrate a holiday such as this in Spain. 

Her jobs were to make the pumpkin pie and a sweet potato dish. She has very little experience cooking, but was enthusiastic about making both. She likes pumpkin pie and had eaten it before. She likes sweet potatoes too, but had never seen them assembled in this fashion, with a bunch of butter, brown sugar, and corn syrup. Oh yes, and the little marshmallows on top. 

Most all of our family was together, which can sometimes be a little hectic and overwhelming. I think she enjoyed it, and even asked for a group photo. She seemed to enjoy the meal. Interestingly, it was the first time she had ever seen or tasted a whole, roasted turkey. According to her, people in Spain do not eat this meat. I suppose it makes sense, since turkeys are native to the Americas. She was curious just to see what it looked like and what it tasted like. Her first response was that it tasted like chicken. 

Since we have celebrated Halloween, Thanksgiving, and now are leading into Christmas, I see clearly how over-the-top Americans celebrate every holiday. Much more elaborately than other countries. I haven't decided yet if this is a good thing, or not. 

Two Months Is Too Long

Oh my Lord, it's been two months since I had a counseling session with Kate. They had to cancel my October visit. I wish tomorrow's visit was going to be a two hour session, because I feel like there is a lot to catch up on.

Life With Natalia

One of the first nights Natalia was here, she was looking for a snack in the pantry. She pulled out a packet of "peanut butter and cheese crackers" like the ones pictured here. She looked puzzled and said to me "What is this?"   I told her it was cheese peanut butter crackers, to which she replied, several seconds later, "This is not cheese". 

What Natalia learned:   When it comes to food in America, you are not always getting what you think you are getting. "Cheese" might really mean artificially flavored, artificially colored crackers, chock full of preservatives.

What I learned from Natalia:   We eat a lot of shit that is not real food.

I Didn't See This Coming

At the start of the school year, my daughter came home telling me about a new friend she had met. An exchange student from Spain named Natalia. 

As the weeks passed, she began telling me that Natalia's host family was having some personal problems, which eventually grew out of control, and Natalia became displaced. She had to move in with the coordinator of the program while she searched for a new host family.

One weekend the coordinator had to be out of town, and since Natalia was friends with my daughter, we were asked if we could keep her for the weekend. Once I met her, I just fell in love with her. I can't really explain what happened next, but I felt it was laid on my heart that we had to take this girl into our home. 

Now bear in mind my home is not always the most stable place on earth, but everyone in the house agreed we felt it was what we were being called to do. 

As I type this, Natalia has been with us a couple of weeks. She is intelligent, beautiful, and witty. Every day I learn something new from her. In the days, weeks, and months ahead I will share with you the things I learn. Things like bravery, about giving, and how similar yet different our two cultures are.

Stay tuned. 

The Pursuit of Happiness

Something very odd has happened to me in the past 2 weeks. Something foreign and strange. I believe people call it "happiness". 

I have stated it out loud and in text messages that "I feel happy!" Or that "I am in the best mood today!" Just an overwhelming feeling of gladness that makes me feel the need to say it out loud!

Ever since I started my vacation, I've just had this weight lifted off my shoulders. There could be a couple of reasons for this, but if I'm being honest with myself and with you, dear readers, I believe it has everything to do with being away from work. The past year has been the second most challenging year I have faced at work. I feel like a manic firefighter, running around extinguishing problems all day long. I see frustration in the eyes of my coworkers. Exhaustion in my fellow managers. Two of them have told me they feel the stress is taking a toll on their physical health. Being away from there and putting it out of my mind has been delightful. 

I visited my my primary health care doctor last week. She was rather upset with me for not letting her know about my skin condition. The last time I saw her was just about one year ago, when she walked in, saw me covered in a rash from head to toe, and gasped "You are having an allergic reaction to the antibiotic!". She had no idea of the struggle I had endured since that day. Since my psychiatrist moved away, my primary care physician is now responsible for regulating my anxiety drug. She felt it was time I quit taking half of the dosage the psychiatrist had prescribed for me, and begin taking the full amount. Mind you, this is still an extremely low dose, but in the four and a half years since I started taking it, I chose to only take half a dose, believing less is more. The increase in medication could potentially be another reason for my improved state of mind. 

I will write a separate entry about it, but in the past couple of weeks I have been to introduced to a beautiful young exchange student from Spain. After much deliberation, we became her host family, and she moved in to my home last week. I love being around young people. Especially bright, intelligent, and engaging young people. This young lady is all three. It has lifted my spirits tremendously to have her here. Another possible source of my new found happiness. Or maybe it is a combination of all three things. 

I have less than a week of vacation left. I have made tremendous progress in organizing clutter and removing much of it. My husband and I have detailed rooms. It clears the cobwebs from the mind when you clear the cobwebs from your home.  I just don't have the time to do that on a regular basis. That is why I look so forward to this two weeks in October each year. 

Anyway, it's a quick update on the pursuit of my happiness. I don't want it to go away.

Cleaning Cobwebs

It's the start of my annual 2 week fall vacation. 

A time to clean cobwebs, not only from my house, but from my head. I look forward to the quiet, alone time. I rarely turn on the television, and often I don't even have music. Just me, myself and I, compartmentalizing thoughts and ideas, and restoring order to the chaos which is my living space and my mind. 

Even Monday???

I was having a text conversation with Kitty a few days ago. One statement she made during the conversation really resounded with me. She said "I want to enjoy EVERY day. Not drag through to the weekend or whatever special occasion". 

Wow. Enjoy EVERY day? Is that possible?

So I bounced the idea off of Sally, and we kind of ran with it. What would it take to have something in your life each day to look forward to? Something that would make you happy or bring you joy? Since then we have both made a conscious effort to focus on one joyful thing each day. It's not always easy, but it is very rewarding. And I think it's important. We spend so much time counting down to the weekend. Life is short, why only enjoy a small piece of it?

If you can't enjoy your job, plan something to look forward to in the evening. Or plan a break during the workday and do something special. Even if it is 10 minutes to meditate or pray, to redirect your thoughts to something positive or productive. 

So many of my friends  have stressful jobs or situations right now. I hope you all accept this challenge and look for some ray of good in each and every day.  Even Monday....

And It Makes Me Wonder

I was driving to go get some fish sandwiches yesterday, when I saw a man walking down the street with a guitar case. This made me think of a story. Something that happened a long time ago, and it made me smile. 

It was about 1991. Maybe 1992. I was on my way out of town with work. I don't remember where I was going, but I was making a change of planes in Nashville, Tennessee. I had just gotten off my flight, and was headed to another gate for my connection. I was young. In my late 20s with long blonde hair. In those days, when we traveled with work, we had to wear business attire. I remember I was wearing a long dress and black shoes with a small heel. Coming towards me, a good distance away, I spotted a handsome young man with dark wavy hair. He was wearing a checkered shirt, faded blue jeans, and some old cowboy boots. He had a black guitar case strapped to his back. I kept glancing away, then glancing back. As we got closer to each other, my glances turned in to a stare, as he was staring back.  We passed each other, and just kept walking.

Several steps later, something made me look back. I turned around to find him looking back as well. We both smiled at each other and just kept going.

You ever think about things like that, and wonder what if? I do.

Tired Of Being Tired

I'm tired of being mediocre.

I'm tired of being overwhelmed at work. 

I'm tired of being surrounded by clutter.  

I'm tired of being overweight. 

I'm tired of feeling weak and unhealthy. 

I'm tired of feeling like there's no way out...no way to change anything. 

I'm tired of complaining. 

I want my sun to rise, not set. 

I want to do something fabulous.

So Was That The End?

 People keep asking me when I'm going to write something in this blog. I tell them I don't know. 

Sometimes I feel like I've said everything I can possibly say. I've told every story of my life that has led me to this point. It feels like there is nothing left to say or think about. 

That can't be all there is. I don't want to be frozen in time. I don't want to be done. I need to figure out the next chapter of my life. What I want. How I'll write it.

I Just Need Some Jars

Last fall I started canning. Fruit preserves and butters. It has become a very fun hobby for me. After all, my therapist told me I needed a hobby. My friend Nodrog told me to watch the movie Baby Boom with Diane Keaton.  So last night I watched it. After a strange series of events, a New York City businesswoman winds up living in Vermont, and while she is snowed in with an abundance of apples, ends up canning applesauce. She turns it into an empire called Country Baby.

As frustrated as I am with my job right now, I think I'll spend this Sunday entertaining that idea.