Kissin' Catchers

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Kiss and Tell

If you've read this journal from the beginning you know all about Mary's MILFs, Men I'd Like To Fix. Celebrities, rock stars, all sorts of bad boys that make me fantasize and sweat, but all just in fantasy. I'll never really get to touch, only look.

I'm going to embark now on a candid series of journal entries about my real life loves. I'm starting at the beginning and working my way to now. Writing this journal is very reflective for me and I think it will be interesting to see how I got where I'm at now.

My friend Scarlett has a mind like a steel trap. She never forgets anything. I, on the other hand am lucky to remember what I did this past weekend, so for me these details will really challenge me to dig back into a faraway place in my mind. I'll write an entry as I'm able to recall the stories. I hope I can remember them with some type of accuracy and make it an interesting read.

Who Goes There?

As we've discussed in the past, recovery techniques work the same for most all habits whether you suffer from codependence, alcoholism, shopping addiction or are trying to quit smoking. One of my favorites is to remember to "HALT". HALT is an acronym that stands for:

H=Hungry

A=Angry

L=Lonely

T=Tired

Four things you should always avoid. Never get too Hungry, too Angry, too Lonely, or too Tired. These emotions can cause you to become most vulnerable to temptations. Our resistence and emotional resilience become low when we fall victim to these feelings and they can easily trigger a relapse.

HALT! Learn it....avoid it.

Road Trip 2009

We arrived home from our family vacation a few hours ago.

Nearly 1800 miles in the car with my husband and two kids.

Three nights at a relative's house, where a 22 month old baby lives.

Two nights in hotels; packing and unpacking the car.

Lots and lots of money flying out of my bank account.

Remarkably.....a splendid time was had by all. Hardly any bickering, and we laughed alot. Even though there were situations and some stories about family members that could have made me jump into the driver's seat and attempt to control, I did not. I said "Live and let live". I thought "what can I do when I get home to live a better life?" I let go as best as I could and it felt good.

When I got home there were letters from my kids' schools with instructions about the new school year. Thankfully, my daughter got the teacher we requested. That made me very happy. As always, I have anxiety about the school year starting, but I'll save that for another post. For tonight, I'm just proud of myself for keeping my mouth shut and letting go; at least for today.

Why Can't I Stop?

Tomorrow morning my husband, two kids and I will be hitting the road for a family vacation. I had to work today so my prep time got shortened a bit. Let me also add that it is PMS weekend for me which means my hormones are raging and my tolerance is low.

For the past few days I'd been working on a packing list for myself and the family. As I drove home from work I started orchestrating what would need to be done once I arrived. I always get anxious immediately before a trip so the "day before" jitters combined with my PMS was beginning to wreak havoc with my nerves.

When I got home my husband had done a bunch of my laundry, brought up the suitcases, began to pack for the kids and marked several things off my list. Wow! I should be thrilled, right?? Wrong!!!! My control issues kicked into high gear and I immediately felt my shoulders get tight and my anxiety level skyrocket. I had to go upstairs, change clothes, and sit on my bed for a minute to calm down. I literally had to talk to myself out loud in an attempt to relax.

The whole time I was well aware of what was happening; that my need to control everything was causing this anxiety. That I should be grateful my husband had worked so hard to try and make things easier for me. I also recognized the role my PMS (or PMDD as my doctor calls it) was playing in all this. That condition seems to intensify every year and often plays a major role in my moods. Even though I knew I was doing this to myself and my rational mind knew I needed to get a grip, I just couldn't. I came downstairs and started trying to organize and pack but things just kept getting worse.

After head spinning, chest pains and a breathing "situation" I finally just stopped. I took a Xanax and ate some dinner. I used the method Dr. Eve taught me and did one task at a time; putting a box around it and seeing it through until it was finished.

In the end, the legwork my husband did for me really helped and it saved me a lot of time. Everyone was packed with little trouble and as I type this the car is loaded and ready to go.

Letting go of the need to control is very hard for me. It's something I don't know I'll ever master. I am more aware of it now but still a prisoner, at least at times. I want very much to be able to relax with my family during this trip. I'm trying very hard not to have a rigid plan so that if any of them come up with an idea, we may actually be able to fit it in to our schedule. Relax Mary....go with the flow. Let go of the need to control.

I'll be back to you soon.

These Dreams

I haven't had much to write about recently; maybe that's a good thing. I guess my mind is mostly clear right now.

I had a nightmare about my mother last night. She was lying in a casket and someone told me it was my duty to get in there with her. I was terrified but I didn't want her to know it. In the dream I talked to her and told her that one day I'd be able to be with her again; that we'd all be together. That seemed to make her happy but I was very frightened, and I woke up very frightened.

I've always been fascinated with dreams and their meanings. I have several dream interpretation books and I frequently use online sites as well. Here's what I found today:

To see and talk with your dead parents in a dream represents your fear of losing them

or your way of coping with the loss.

You want that last opportunity to say your final good byes to them.

I've had other dreams where I've talked with my mom but they were all very comforting. This was the first scary one.

Thoughts About My Friend

Back in high school I was good friends with a girl named Kathie. We grew into young women together, and while we don't see each other very often anymore, we've never lost touch over the years or gone more than a few months without some type of contact.

Kathie got married right around the same time as my husband and me. I was in her wedding. She had a son a couple of years before I had my son. She lives in a house in the same area of town as I do. She works full time, is a busy wife and mother, she'd always like to lose a few pounds, and she still likes rock and roll.

We've lived very similar lives up until the day last April when my Mom died and then one week later she found out her husband had brain cancer.

Since that time she's watched her husband go through chemo and radiation. She's watched him have two surgeries; one to remove a tumor, the most recent to remove part of his brain. At first her husband was sure he was going to beat this, but as his condition worsened he started making plans, getting finances in order, and doing little things like making sure Kathie new how to start the lawn mower. She's tried to protect her 13 year old son from being unnecessarily worried up to this point, but now she's trying to slowly prepare him for the worst.

Today Kathie's husband had a scan which revealed the cancer is back. This time there is no treatment but to keep him comfortable, and the doctors are giving him about two months. I can't help but think what if that had happened to me instead of her? What if I'd have been the one?

I look at my two children and their happy, healthy little group of friends and wonder, "Will one of them marry an alcoholic? Will one of them marry a person who will get cancer? Will one BE an alcoholic? Will one HAVE cancer?" I guess we all have our burdens to bear in this life and we don't know from one day to the next what our path will be. We just have to trust God and hope that whatever He has in store for us is no more than we can bear.

Please pray for my friend Kathie and her son. They need all the prayers they can get.

I'm Sure I Missed The Point

Yesterday I had a session with Dr. Eve. While I was there she had me lie down on the sofa, close my eyes, and relax. She sat in a chair next to me and talked me through a complete relaxation, starting at the top of my head and winding up at the tip of my toes. The process took about twenty minutes, and she recorded this onto a tape for me to listen to whenever I like.

This would have been great, except for a couple of things.

Dr. Eve set the scene as a peaceful valley. Warm sun, tall grass blowing in the breeze, etc. In this scene I am relaxed and walking through a grove of trees....very at peace. In my mind I started thinking how the place she was describing was almost a little scary to me. But alas, I focused on relaxing whichever body part she was moving to at the time.

Next she had me stop at a big tree and sit down on the ground next to it. She had me rest up against the tree, letting it support me. This just did not work for me. Sitting on the hard ground in this position did not sound comfortable. Plus, if you know me you know that I do not like to be dirty and the thought of my back and hair being up against that tree was getting to me. I could just picture ants crawling down the trunk and moving onto me.

Dr. Eve's voice is very soothing, and the directions she gave on relaxing my muscles were indeed helpful. Other than the peculiar thoughts I was having I could have easily gone to sleep. I just think I need to have someone re-record the instructions and this time put me in a nice fall scene with warm sun and a cool breeze. I could lay in a hammock and look up at the leaving falling from the trees and floating down. All the while staying perfectly clean and free of insects.

I'm quite aware this is odd. That's why I'm going back in two weeks.